Practice Practice!

In my journeys around the world of blogging I recently stopped by to visit Anja Merret's post on Missing this very moment - here is the comment I left behind:

"Anja; what a terrific question! It took me a good bit of effort to find the awareness that you speak of - seeing that this moment is a good place and being able to discern the past and future from it. I have found that it takes practice to make that decision to stay in the moment...our thoughts come and go at the speed of lightening but I believe it is possible to learn to be aware that I am following the past or running into the future and stay right where I want to be - in this present moment...."

The question has come up on just how do we begin to "live in the moment"...and while I am not a Buddest monk that has studied for decades the massive subject of enlightenment nor am I a Rhodes scholar with a doctorate in anything other than life.

What I am though is someone who has "been there and done that" in searching for my own answers to my own life dilemma's, including getting over the bump in the road when it comes to worrying about the mysteries the future holds or ruminating over the mistakes I made in the past - whether it was half an hour ago or a decade left in the dust.

And here's the secret: it takes awareness.

Like Anja shares in her post - awareness that my thoughts are again out of control and running to the past or the future at the speed of light - hither and yon at the speed of sound, spinning my brain like a strawberry milkshake in the blender if I'm not careful :-)

And it takes (here's the hard part - no easy answers, sorry guys) - it takes practice.

Practicing being aware of my thoughts and knowing that I am in the norm of the population whose thoughts wonder from Nova Scotcia to England and back again and then a short jaunt to Austrailia before I land back at the ball game where my physical body happens to be planted on the sidelines and - OOPS! How did that guy get on 2nd base already? (see how that works?) *grin* GOTCHA! It takes practice to catch our minds wondering and then reining them back into the moment :-0

So - these are the grand words that I have to share today on the subject of living in the moment and the path I have taken to conquer living in the land of oz where I was present in body...but not "present".....

So heres the deal: girls do it. boys do it. We all let our minds wonder from here to there and back again - the key is to be aware that we are doing it and then choosing to grab the bull by the horns (so to speak) and recognize when we are off lost in the memories of past failures (or success') or floundering in the fears of the future. With a little practice and being mindfully aware of our thoughts that may be wondering about... we can rein ourselves in and seize today!

I live now and only now, and I will do what I want to do this moment and not what I decided was best for me yesterday. - Hugh Prather

Looking Up

"Looking up"

Photo by Susan

2010 July 15

Besides being inquisitive, curious and not easily satisfied by "pat answers" that are meant to pacify, I also enjoy taking photos and sometimes as I load them into my computer to put them away I "see" something....

And this photo that I snapped yesterday was one of those times.

It was a moment in time - a moment that I have come to know as my "now" or my "life"...the life I had been searching for for years; griping that I wanted (I need to "get a life") and jealous that others had what I didn't (yea, well, easy for her/him...) and bitter over what I did have (which was never "good enough" or "right enough") and resentful over what I had had (if only...then...)

And in this moment of time that was my entire life (because that moment was all I "had" at that time - nothing else existed outside of it...) I sat in the yard, watching the dogs romp (did I really just use the word "romp"?!)...ok, well they were playing - in the moment:)...neither the past nor the future affecting this "moment" of joy they had created.

And as I leaned back in the adirondack chair that had been so welcoming to me and looked up...I snapped this photo and realized as I titled it in my photo album

"Looking up"

just how metaphorical this snapshot in time was.

It was a "moment" in time that "stood still".

It was also a really good portrayal of the "light" that is sometimes slightly hidden by the dense jungle we must forge through to get to the light.

At first look when I imported this "snapshot of time"...I saw the thick leaves and branches of the tree.

And as I continued to look - I began to notice the light that shined through the dense foliage.

And how in this journey there is plenty of "dense foliage", underbrush, tangled weeds and unchartered territory that we forge through to reach the light...

And I realized that in my own journey I finally was able to focus on the light instead of the jungle and it was the light that guided me to freedom.

**

Q: Is there a "light" that keeps you motivated to continue to put one foot in front of the other when life "sucks"?

The Relationships that Shaped my Life....and the Life Lessons I've Learned from them

One Path of Many Photo by Susan July 23, 2010

Today’s post stems from much thought being given to the idea that in the original abuse, I felt obligated to include those who in the past abused me or treated me as "less than" in my new life. This journey is a process and one that includes the relationships that that shaped my life and the lessons I've learned from them.

"Those who could not stand by me at my worst 

can not know me at my best." 

These words came to me as I contemplated the idea that I do not have to, am not required to invite those into my life that in the past abused me.  I was an adult - and yet still felt very much like a child when it came to being around my siblings and in the past, my parents and many of the social and intimate relationships that I'd had. 

And I suddenly realized the hidden resentment that was showing up in my resistance to attend those family get togethers was another one of theses "have to's" or "shoulds" and I felt like I was doing something wrong by not going...or just not wanting to go.

Family get togethers for me was where the pattern was to laugh and get along while we were all at the table but as soon as someone left...they became the next course; their lives, thoughts, appearance, children, choices being served up one by one and passed around the table filled with siblings, children and grandchildren learning the fine art of carving up their relatives and friends. Dissecting their very being while justifying the hateful comments and patronizing treatment seemed to serve a purpose to bring value to themselves and justify their own lives and their behavior. 

And this is not to put down or criticize any one person or make light of this kind of abuse; its just the way it is in my family. Is and always has been and when I share this I am including myself in this kind of drama; we were raised in this and this was and is my families “normal” and it took me a long time to understand that this was not normal; that not all families engage in this kind of demeaning and disturbing assassination of one anothers character.

For many years I tried to figure out how to be "good enough" or do life "right enough" that I would finally win their approval, even joining in on this family tradition of demeaning others in order to find value in myself. 

I tried over and over to "figure out" what was "wrong" with me in order to change it so I would finally be accepted, loved, comforted when I was in pain, my accomplishments celebrated....to the point of despair. 

I fell into trying to reshape myself into being "good enough" as I sought approval and no matter what I did, no matter how "perfect" I was in keeping house, presenting well groomed children to the world, the right job, the new car, the new house, the right haircut, the right mall, credit card, bank account, attending church two and three times a week…

Each time I thought I'd finally arrived; that I was finally "good enough" or had done something "right enough" - there was always something else about me that was still not "enough". 

No matter what the current issue was, the underlying expectation was that I was not to have my own thoughts, feelings, opinions and my choices were all being measured against some yardstick that was never the same day to day and based on someone else’s need for me to be different in order for them to be ok.

To save myself I had to step away.

I had to create a space and a life where I could begin to experience something different in order to see and understand that this dynamic in my family was my normal but it was not at all "normal". 

I began to learn about dysfunctional relationships so I could recognize them and my role in them and thus how to step out of this role instead of expecting others to be different or change that I might be ok.

I began to understand when I was using the language of what I call "perpetual victimhood" where I felt helpless and hopeless over my life so I could recognize when and how to reclaim and take back my life by changing what I believed about myself and others.

And I began to let go of the anger and resentment that served to keep me bound and I began to see those who had not been able to stand by me in my own struggles and had even directly abused me -  through the lens of compassion...

which in turn has allowed me to see myself and others with more compassion. 

In doing this I also learned that the smoldering anger that could be fanned into a flame was really that place where I learned to grieve that which was and release the hope of what could be in order to live in what was…

and the truth that would set me free. 

And I practice setting boundaries and being assertive, I've learned to listen to my body and trust my feelings to be my guide.

I’ve learned to recognize the thoughts and words that can take me down that road of despair and how to pull my focus into the moment that I might live free of the pain of the past…

I've recognized that my serenity does not depend on how others treat me but in how I allow others behavior to affect me...

my thoughts, my feelings, my moods, my choices.

And now instead of trying, wishing and hoping to be "good enough" or do things “right enough” to be accepted and honored by those who are still on their own journey, I am able to accept them where they are and have clear boundaries of what I allow into my personal space and thoughts...

instead of trying to shape how they treat me by shaping myself to be "good enough" or "right enough".

I now shape myself to be who I want to be and share my life, my dreams, my pain, my hope, my thoughts, feelings, joys and doubts with those whom I know accept me, without question

as I am. 

Possibly related reading...

Abuse Disguised

Anger and Acceptance

To Thine Own Self Be True

Seeking and Living Our Own Truth

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

Practice Will Make You Whole by guest blogger, Amy Eden (Part II of Raise Yourself Up!)

Amy Eden of Guess What Normal Is

Here is Part I of Raise Yourself Up!


Today we'll continue with Guest Blogger, Amy Edens series "Raise Yourself Up!", Part II.

Practice Will Make You Whole - Practicing at Becoming You

Our parents didn’t parent us well, for various reasons.  We can wring our hands and wonder why, why, why about that truly unfortunate fact of our lives and try to extract a bit of comfort from the questioning, but—we cannot change it.  Here and now, however, today—you are in charge of your self, your wellbeing, and you are now your own parent. 

So! What kind of parent do you want to be to yourself? 

You cannot copy the model you were given because the results—well, you already know those bad results.  You must develop a new model, and to do so you need to do some investigation.  Who are you?  Think about what it’s like to really know someone.  Can you think of a person whom you feel you really know? I bet that knowing their history, where that person came from, is a key part of your feeling of knowing them. 

Practice at getting to know where you come from—don’t worry about being perfect at it.  We tend to be perfectionists, so start thinking about self-work in terms of “practice” rather than “results.” Being in practice mode focuses our attention on the present moment—so we can not only enjoy the act of practicing itself, but also become present. (Being present is a valuable lesson because it provides us with the experience of feeling “okay” and safe, and forces us to release our need to control.)

Think of the practice of parenting yourself like yoga, learning a language, or a musical instrument, or exercise—something that needs conscious thought, repetition, and expansion into new areas, and just plain doing.

Here’s a definition from Webster’s:  Practice; (noun) late Middle English; “Repeated performance or systematic exercise for the purpose of acquiring skill or proficiency.”  

4 Practices for Raising Yourself Up

Practice at Learning Who You Are & What Happened

Practice at Doing Therapeutic Work 

Practice at Taking Care of Yourself & Making Changes

Practice at Being Present in the Happiness you Create

1.  Practice at Learning What Happened and Who You Are

First, it’s essential to understand, fully, what happened to you.  Go there.  It’s not a waste of time, it’s not “digging up old useless bones,” it’s not just “the past” that you can’t change—no, no!  It’s essential to excavate your childhood.  Find out what it means for people to grow up without having one’s self-esteem nurtured, but also what it meant for you in particular, given your unique circumstances, to have grown up as you did.  It’s essential that you dig deep to remember, articulate, and reflect on your own story and unique situation and reactions. Only if we tell what happened can we become truly free. This will begin to dissolve the burden that you carry—whether you realize it’s there on your shoulders or not (you’ll certainly feel it lifting!) 

Learning where you came from and who you are in a honest, formal, and committed way will be painful at first but will bring tremendous relief, and it will begin to provide you with a blueprint for healing on which you can actually take action. 

Be sure to examine, and address, the coping behaviors—especially addictions to food, excitement or work—that have become habits for you.

Clearly, this is something that needs to happen within a safe environment, one that will help you create borders around the old pain and present reality so that you don’t feel…well…like you’re losing your mind!  This work is best done with a therapist who you choose and with whom you feel safe, and who can help you contain the experience.

4 Practices for Raising Yourself Up

Practice at Learning Who You Are & What Happened

Practice at Doing Therapeutic Work 

Practice at Taking Care of Yourself & Making Changes

Practice at Being Present in the Happiness you Create

2. Practice at Doing Therapeutic Work

Although it’ll seem like the endpoint of looking into your past will be a pit of pain from which you’ll forever live, the truth is that you’ll arrive out in a patch of sunlight in an field—with yourself.  You’ll be light years closer to knowing who you are.  This is partly because you’ll see that who you were as a child was someone who adapted and coped to stay safe in whatever way you could.

You’ll come to realize that, while necessary, that’s not the Who you were meant to be, and that you want to get to the Who underneath all those protective survival layers.  You’ll come to have a much clearer picture of who you do not want to be, and simultaneously, begin to see (and with compassion) and feel that you have greater control over becoming who you do want to be. 

If you do this work, you will discover a lightness and freedom—and sense of your Self and clarity about what you need—like never, ever before.  It will be scary at times.  Some might think it would be “easier” to stick with the old way of denial and not feeling your feelings, but as soon as you put one foot into recovery, the rest of your body will ache to get in there, too.  Your heart will guide you. If you do this work, you WILL come through the darkness and to the other side, into the light of a life you want, that you made.

The intensity of feelings that uncovering our past traumas may bring up isn’t for the faint of mind, so you need a trustworthy therapist to help you navigate the terrain.  If you do this kind of work on your own, it’s very difficult to sort out the monsters from the angels—that is, it becomes very difficult to know whether or not your actions stem from avoidance or courage.  In truth, even the best therapist won’t be able to tell your monsters from your angels, but he or she will be able to give you the time and space within which to get enough perspective that you sure can. 

Be sure that you shop for a therapist just like people recommend shopping for a house—don’t pick the first one, evaluate a few (or several if you have to), and choose the one that feels most likely to provide comfort and safety.  Talk to them on the phone first, asking what their area of specialties are, and how many of their clients (not patients!) are trauma-survivors, or children of alcoholics, etc. Tell them what you’re struggling with, and ask what kind of approach they would take.  This saves your time, and theirs.  Any good therapist will spend up to 15, or more, minutes talking to you on the phone.  If you don’t like their attitude, voice, attitude, or answers—move on to the next name on your list.  Ask if they will give you a free consultation (or use your health insurance to cover it), and book a few appointments with a few different counselors—this will prevent you from feeling obligated to go with the first one you see. (Any good therapist will ask you, at the end of your first consultative session, if you feel it’s a good fit and if you’d like to continue.  Only a bad, desperate therapist will obligate you or sell you on committing to them.)  Remember—you’re the customer.

There’s reward in this:  the process of selecting a therapist is the first step in your healing!  It’s an opportunity to say what you want, and to actively choose the person who is going to collaboratively, with you, help you on your journey of self-investigation and self-repair so that you can live a life as you choose to live it.

~

Your comments, notes and aha's are invited and always welcome:)

Join us here next time for the conclusion (Part III) of Amy's series Raise Yourself Up!

Amy Eden, writer of fiction and creative nonfiction, has been studying and writing about issues of children of alcoholics for over fifteen years.  She has worked in book publishing and magazine publishing since 1994, and is currently an editor for a San Francisco-based book publisher. She has published nonfiction articles in city and national magazines, for educational publishers, and for the Web, and earned a BA in English and an MFA in creative writing.  Amy Eden’s inspiration for her self-improvement blog, “Guess What Normal Is” is to “help people trade armor for courage.”

~

 Thank you for reading today! Please visit Amy's blog Guess What Normal Is and let her know you found her via A Journey!

This post is property of its author; its publication here in no way implies endorsement nor should it be construed as medical or therapeutic advice. 

When you come to the edge of all the light you have...

I believe I can fly...!
Originally uploaded by rAmmoRRison

When you come to the edge of all the light

that you have

And must take a step into the darkness

of the unknown,

Believe that one of two things will happen to you:

Either there will be something to stand on, or,

You will be taught how to fly.

-Patrick Overton



For me, this is what healing from the effects of childhood abuses and neglect look like - I believed.

For many years I accepted the opinions of the "experts" - that I was broken, damaged beyond repair. That my best prognosis was to live the rest of my life on potent psychiatric medications that dulled my mind, intellegence and stole my soul.

But then I had the good fortune to stumble across a doctor who believed that I was more than a diagnosis; I was a person traumatized and injured from a lifetime of abuse. He validated my existence.

For the first time since entering the social welfare system and the mental health system in 1993 a spark of hope and life began to flicker within my being again.

I found the strength, faith and hope to believe that I was more than a case number, more than a diagnosis.

With the help of a therapist trained in the Trauma Model developed by Dr. Colin Ross I was finally able to face my past and begin to let go of the pain. I began to heal.

In making the decision to forgo the labels and diagnosis and the mind numbing medications I was making a decision to learn how to live.

The hitch was that it was going to be a painful journey as I began to face the feelings and deep emotional pain that had been denied for so many, many years.

These moments of pain were the "hard work"; the times when I "stood at the edge of all I had known" and believed that "something would be there for me to stand on" or that I "would learn how to fly".

See my version of this poem by Patrick Overton here  I Believed

~

Anatomy of an Epidemic: Magic Bullets, Psychiatric Drugs, and the Astonishing Rise of Mental Illness in America — a note from Robert Whitaker

Over at Bipolar Blast ask Beyond Meds, todays post is a note from Author Robert Whitaker regarding his book The Anatomy of An Epidemic: Magic Bullets, Psychiatric Drugs and the Astonishing Rise of Mental Illness in America. The link to view this book on Amazon is here.

The question...Could our drug based paradigm of care be fueling this epidemic?

Whitiker continues: To answer that question, I fleshed out what the scientific literature has to say about the long-term effects of psychiatric medications. I think an observation made by one of the many people I interviewed for the book aptly sums up the tale told in the scientific literature. She said:

“With psychiatric medications, you solve one problem for a period of time, but the next thing you know, you end up with two problems. The treatment turns a period of crisis into a chronic mental illness.”

After this tale of science is told (and the book basically relates a history of science that has unfolded since the 1950s), I look at why our society doesn’t know about the many studies that have documented the poor long-term outcomes. These study results never get reported in the newspapers, and the book explores the financial reasons why that is so.

You can read the rest of this note here.

You can see my earlier post on this issue here "Another rant...which came first? The Chicken or the Goose?"

So what's the purpose of posting this information? Because I believe that we as consumers are not getting all of our options, we are not being fully informed. Instead we are being sold on the idea that we are somehow biologically broken and that Big Pharma has the ONLY answer to the issue of mental health and wellness.

This is a subject not widely discussed yet and carries much of the similarities of the fraud carried out on consumers of tobacco product and even the most recent financial crisis where we were presented with the idea that the banks were operating in our best interest, yet their greed and offering only one side of the story - incomplete information - leads consumers to believe that as the "professionals" we can trust what they are telling us to be "truth" and in our best interest.

Each year, Big Pharma is being called on it's misuse of America's trust as they invent new ways of pushing their drugs, telling us that this is the only answer to our heartburn (try eating less junk) our "Fibromyalgia" (women are getting over this every day by excercising and managing stress healthier) or how this magic pill will "fix" us. And they have done a grand job at pulling the wool over the eyes of consumers as we staunchly defend that we are "chemically imbalanced". I know because I've lived it. To have done otherwise was unthinkable because this was my last hope at finding a solution to the emotional distress and faulty cognitions that kept me bound in self doubt and dependance on drugs to cope each day. After all, without being "mentally ill"...who was I and what the hell was "wrong" with me?

Today, the Government has finally stepped in and penalized Big Tobacco for the lies that we ate up when we bought in that tobacco was harmless and safe. Banks that have gouged Americans for years are being brought up short and held responsible for their mismanagement of America's resources. And each year Big Pharma pays millions in settlements to those their "medicines" have harmed and fines to the Government for their fraud in misleading consumers on various drugs.

This may not be your opinion, and my goal is not to change your mind about this but to encourage you to do your own reading and research on this message that somehow we are broken and drugs (not to mention the lifetime bill for never ending therapy that goes along with this assumption) are the only answer.

So here's what Big Pharma isn't telling us; that we can learn to manage our thoughts, our emotional instability and find our way out of the muck and mire of "mental illness". We can learn to develop rational thinking and emotional expression that heals instead of incapacitates us. We can learn the life skills to help us overcome those feelings of "less than" or "different".

Drugs? They may have a place and even benefit us short term to manage crisis and keep ourselves safe - but they also inhibit our ability to learn, to think, to recall and remember both short term and long term. But when they are heralded as the "only" solution to mental health issues the result can be painfully debilitating as our hope for a better outcome is reduced to simply "managing" and surviving.

Finding light in the darkness of mental illness requires the use of and access to our thoughts and emotions - the things that medication "numbs".

So while using medication may be helpful in the short term - the long term use of it inhibits and prevents us from accessing the natural solution of learning new ways of coping and how to trust the natural emotional process that we are working so diligently to avoid.

(Note:I am not a physician. This information should not be taken as medical directions. Do not discontinue any medications without first doing your own due diligence and making the decision that is best for you.)

*****

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I'm glad you stopped by today!

Like the little engine that could...

It began with the idea that I could.

The very first lesson that I received on the idea of self empowered healing from "mental illness" was during that week in the hospital in September of 2007. (You can listen to this part of my story here on Blog Talk Radio with Michele Rosenthall of Heal My PTSD)

A Note: keep in mind, I had continued to read and study mental health issues for years but had been dismissed by my previous providers when I asked if I could ever live and function on my own, without "meds" and lifelong "talk therapy".

So while I had believed and hoped all the years in this system that I could find my way out of this dark place, like many others, I trusted and believed it when my doctor and therapist told me that this was something to be managed for the rest of my life.

Hint: if anyone is telling you "you can't"...this does 3 things. 1. it puts them in control and 2. it re-enforces that I am incapable and re enforces that false belief of helplessness to change or better my situation and 3. it creates an unhealthy dependency and re enforces that state of perpetual victimhood and hopelessness as we continue to believe that the power to heal lies with someone or something outside of myself. (more on this another time...)

For more information see Michele Rosenthal's post of March 8th 2010 on Knowing when to seek a different kind of help.

I was very literally going through withdrawals from all the medications that I had been dependent on to make it through each day. There had been a mood stabilizer, an antidepressant or two, the pain killers, muscle relaxers...etc).

Over time the medications were changed and dosages increased as my body developed a tolerance to them. I believe it was this tolerance that saved my life but that's another story...

I had become used to not sleeping years before as the racing thoughts and nightmares took their toll on my mind and ultimately my body as it began to break down from lving in the stress response for so many years without relief.

The doctor was asking me how I was sleeping. I told him I wasn't sleeping but that I would stare at something - a light through the crack in the door, a spot in the wallpaper, the frame of the door to make it through the long nights. I said that I was wishing for sleep...but sleep would not come. In other words, I was using dissociation to cope with my insomnia.

In one sentence he said something that changed my life, altered the course of my journey.

"You know that you don't have to go there, you don't have to follow those thoughts."

I was stunned. That had never occured to me before. That I could choose to not follow the racing thoughts?

My mind went back to the first time I told a "mental health professional" that I wasn't sleeping, that I was pacing my house like a caged lion, waiting for an attack from my abusive husband who had been stalking me for the past year. You can read more about my journey into the mental health system here.

The solution I was given was the beginning of my dependence on things outside myself to "fix" me; I was given an antidepressant.

I was told and I believed, trusted blindly the word of the "professionals"; that my brain was now broken and irreparable. That I would need "meds", psychiatrists and a therapist for the rest of my life to "manage" this "illness" that had cropped up out of nowhere.

That night in the hospital I still did not sleep. I knew that in stopping the meds it would take some time for my body and brain to adjust to functioning without drugs in my system. So I was patient.

But I practiced "not following" the racing thoughts, instead creating a picture in my mind where I felt safe and at peace. This is where I would direct my thoughts as I learned to become aware of and redirect the movies, pictures and voices that played out in my mind.

Just as in the beginning I was willing to do anything to get better, to make the nightmares and voices in my head stop, to not be so overreactive to normal everyday life stressors that could send me over the edge - I now had a new hope that I could truly "get better".

I took this one little idea - that I could choose where my thoughts went - and this became the foundation for this new path that I would follow in my journey to find myself and create the life of my choosing that I am living today.

For the rest of my stay in the hospital I did not sleep more that an hour here or there before the nightmares and racing thoughts would wake me and cause me to walk the halls of the psych ward as my body began to adjust to it's new drug free state. In fact it took nearly a year before I slept for more than a few hours at a time without waking.

It has now been 2 years and 6 months since that fateful turn in my life when this doctor told me those words that changed the power structure in my mind and provided me with a new hope that I had the power within myself to calm my mind and find peace.

Today - most nights I can sleep a full 8 or 9 hours uninterrupted. But this doesn't just "happen". It takes a conscious effort to live this new life each day. This doesn't happen just because I "wished" it or wanted it or someone told me to do it, but rather because I make a conscious effort each day to be aware of my whole self; what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling and making a choice as to what I will do with that information in my chosen actions.

"I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I know I can."
— Little Engine That Could

DO NOT STOP YOUR MEDICATIONS ABRUPTLY. There are some serious side effects and withdrawal symptoms when psychiatric medications are discontinued even with tapering off over an extended period of time that can lead to an increase in both emotional instability and cognitive distress. Do your own research; talk to your doctor. Make a plan. But it is very dangerous to attempt to discontinue psychiatric medications abruptly. If you need more information on this topic please visit: www.bipolarblast.wordpress.com for a really great library of info and resources. 

Each of us has our own path to walk. This is my journey. That does not mean it should be yours. My hope is that this blog will provide you some information that will help you to begin to ask your own questions, find your own answers and encourage you to live the life you choose for yourself each day.

Seeking and living our own "truth"

Photo Credit

This quote came to me via @SarahEOlsen2009 and her Favorite Tweet Stuff email...

"Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it." ~ Andre Gide

And this caused me to remember a post I did awhile back about learning to recognize oppressive abuse in the dance of "Power and Control" and how we as survivors are sometimes easily groomed into compliance and can find ourselves following someone else's "truth" instead of that of our own....

From the archives - "Abuse Disguised...." an article that stemmed from recognizing power and control in religious and other professional venues and interpersonal relationships...

"Abuse is not selective and is in all life arena's and

...is all about telling another what to do, how to do it and when to do it

and

"you are wrong if you believe differently than I do or try to do it in any other way"...."

In understanding how to recognize and make different choices about the relationships we choose in our lives and the emotional boundaries we establish, it is helpful to understand what both a supportive relationship that encourages one to live their own "truth" might look like - as well as what a relationship looks like that is perhaps more about following and adhering to someone else's truth.

So for the next few post's I wanted to take a look at the idea of recognizing the difference between learning to seek for, find and live our own truth and if we might be falling into the subtle trap of believing someone else's truth over our own.

Today then....

In seeking my own "truth" and finding relationships that supported my quest to discover how to go about creating and living my own "best life" each day I found one consistant factor that I could trust.

That if I was involved in relationships that supported my search for healing, wellness and my own "truth" - I saw progress in my quest.

I began to find peace, hope and happiness.

I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel

I had an overwhelming sense of "life is good" and "I am ok".

vs

the nagging sense of "something is wrong....

and it must be me"

and an overwhelming sense of hoplessness, helplessness and

..."life sucks"

...I'll never be able to do this "right" or be "good enough"

...that came when I was following someone else's "truth" instead of seeking my own.

And that brings us back to today's quote...

"Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it." ~ Andre Gide

I began to recognize that when I was seeking my own truth, supportive relationships supported this and encouraged me, told me that I had the wisdom and the ability to find my answers and live MY truth vs the relationships that were criticizing, questioning and telling me that my answers were somehow wrong...and the answers they were providing were the "right" answers. That somehow their "truth" was the only truth and if I didn't agree...well, then...something was of course wrong with me.

Join us here next time as we continue to look at this idea of the difference between truth "seeking" and being a follower of someone else's "truth".

As It Goes…

So, as it goes, things change. Life is an evolution and for me a marvelous, exciting and sometimes challenging experiment.

I've been writing here at A Journey since April 6, 2009 where I began to chronicle my journey out of the darkness  and into the light after a lifetime of seeing myself as a victim who had "no choice" and realizing in this amazing journey that I no longer had to live as a victim and that there was life far beyond "recovery" and survival. 

Then for awhile my path shifted and as the student who tries to be ready, I found myself drawn to other adventures like creating the Empowering Solutions page and podcast.

I tried my hand at guest blogging at a few places and was able to contribute on some issues that are very dear to my heart like the abuse and dysfunction many of us come from  , finding our own path to personal empowerment  and sharing a bit of my story as it relates to how I experienced the nearly 2 decades of my life when I was told by doctors that I had a brain disease, was ill and would need "medication for life" and the resulting years of protracted withdrawals when another doctor decided I no longer needed them as a trauma survivor. (NOTE: NEVER let a doctor tell you that you can "just stop" these drugs; this is very dangerous. I was fortunate to have the tenacity to go through this and come out the other end ok; many are not able to tolerate the impact of cold turkey or even a short taper. Get informed to be empowered - you can start here if you need resources.)

I wrote about how I came to choose a new paradigm for myself and this has led to my coming to terms with realizing that I had never been "sick" and that it was the drugs I was being given that actually was the source of the symptoms that seemed to get worse instead of better, even though I was following "doctors orders" to the letter.

As time went on my focus shifted to healing myself and my psyche from the damage of being told I was "ill" and the realization that I am not what they told me I was and had been so terribly harmed and made ill by those I trusted with my health and my life; my doctors and those I sought out for support and help in my journey.

In following the inner drive to make meaning of these experiences, in time I found myself shifting my focus from this blog to the Facebook platform where I have met hundreds and thousands of amazing people on their own individual journey's.

Here I found a camaraderie of persons who have experienced their own journey to well being in many different ways. To each of you - I am in awe of your strength and courage and in complete gratitude that somehow our paths have crossed. In support of those who have wondered about the use of psychiatric drugs I created a workshop and website and was invited to contribute a chapter on using the internet and social media to find support.

Time moved on and I was seeming to lose my voice, I was unclear to my path and my purpose and realized along the way that in order for me to regain my footing and clarity that it was vital that I stop trying to create new things and start focusing on letting go of the old so I could embrace the new. 

So here we are.

It's nearly autumn 2014 and my journey is again changing directions as I focus on continuing to reclaim my health, create my best life and rediscover my voice.

I don't have a clear vision of what my path is just yet - but I do have a desire again to write now and then so - stay tuned; my hope is that we will continue to travel this path together.

Namaste.

May you be well, be happy and live in peace.

Susan