I can and I will!

For those of you who are new to A Journey .... the focus on this blog is to share the journey about how I once was a victim and the path I've take where I have learned how to no longer be that perpetual victim by learning to see myself as much more than a survivor and as the creator of the "best life" that I wanted for myself. 

Like a lot of people who seek help for their well being, life issues and relationship struggles....

I felt powerless to do anything about the miserable lot in life I'd been handed. 

I was stuck in my victim-ness.

I wallowed in it.

I reminded anyone

and everyone

who would listen

just how much of a victim of life I was with all of my complaining and commiserating about the struggle life was for me.


To become the creator of my best life I had to be willing to learn how to no longer be a victim of life. 

And along the way I've discovered many others who feel the same or similar.

"Life sucks."

But they don't know how to crawl out of that hole.

So today - a few steps you can take to take back your power and engage with becoming the creator of your own "best life"....where I began to learn how to live beyond that perpetual place of pain and misery....

Note: "perpetual"meaning that I was perpetuaing this helplessness and hopelessness by the way I had learned to engage with and view my life and my world....I was unwittingly "creating" the life I was experiencing...)

1. Step one and an empowering solution was to learn to differentiate between those two places of "being"a Victim of life and be-coming the Creator of my best life.

Today ask yourself "why am I unhappy?" and then ask "what can I do about it?"

The answer to those questions always directed me to my next step because as a child victim I WAS powerless.   But as an adult creator I am NO LONGER powerless.

That "knowing" - that I am no longer powerless and no longer have to be a victim - allowed me to move to the next step which is action.

     2. If I, as an adult creator, don't know what to "do" my task then is to learn "how" in order that I have the knowledge to "what" to do. 

That - is what Empowering Solutions is about.

The daily notes and tiny bites and bits of knowledge that became the power behind the truth that set me free...

That I WAS a victim

I am and NO LONGER have to be a victim

and I can LEARN how to create my own unlimited life.

It takes time and it begins with being willing to let go of the idea that "I can't" with the first lesson being learning to make that mind shift to "I can and I will....just watch me!"

Love seeing your light:)

Susan

PS...Join Amy Eden and myself this Sunday morning for Sunday Solutions - we'll be chatting about how we learned to recognize why we were the ones with "kick me" taped to our backside. Learning to no longer be that perpetual victim....on Blog Talk Radio - get the archived version or listen live September 23rd by clicking here.

I'm glad you are here...thanks for reading - please considering sharing:) 


 

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

I began to understand that it was all about me - not you or them....I was the "perfect victim"

Photo Credit

A note from the Empowering Solutions Community page on Facebook last week....


I kept getting stuck in abusive relationships and thought I had some sign on my back that said "kick me". So I worked really hard to try to "see" abuse in others to protect myself. But - what I found - is when I learned to understand why I was the "perfect victim" - I also learned to not only identify abusive persons (male or female/intimate/family/friends) but I learned to understand why it was so hard to "see" it playing out in my life and relationships. I also began to learn how to identify and engage in healthier relationships. Today I no longer feel like I have to live in chronic "hypervigelance" and bit by bit I am able to identify unhealthy relationships and make an exit before I get enmeshed and stuck in it again. At the same time - I'm discovering safe relationships that are based on equality and respect where I can finally feel safe vs that chronic state of "on guard" and that never ending dance-of-dysfunction.


Learning to live beyond that place where I saw everyone as the next potential abuser freed me up to first, see that I was not so powerless after all...


And second...


Understand that its pretty darn hard to see "healthy" when all I'm looking for is UNhealthy. 


I had to change my focus from what I hated...


to what I wanted.


to get where I wanted to go. 


Learning to see what it was about me and how my past life experiences had shaped me to become the "perfect victim" empowered me to...


no longer be a victim.


Understanding and "seeking" what it was about me that I'd learned when I'd learned to tolerate t...he intolerable


enabled me to understand why and how I continued to perpetrate the abusive relationships in my life and 


empowered me to begin to create my 


best life. 


From the archives on "relationships"...


Sometimes...


Ambivalence as a survival skill


Back to basics....when life gets messy


Black and White...the Zebra Effect


"12 Things" on Empowering Solutions at Blog Talk Radio...

Listen to internet radio with Heal My PTSD on Blog Talk Radio

Join us at the Empowering Solutions Community here. :) 

No longer a victim and much more than a survivor

Become the Creator
of your own
"unlimited life"

A quick note today...


About the "aha"


That became the truth


That set me free. 

Like many others who were living a life of "less than"...

I subscribed to the idea that "support" was that place where I could vent

bitch

and moan

about my past

my pain

my today

yesterday

and tomorrow.

That just really

really

sucked.

And I lived there for what seemed 

forever.

And in time

I discovered that there is a time and a place for seeking "support" that actually supports my journey 

into

through

and out of the muck

instead of staying

stuck

in it.

Pouring my pain out day after day with no conscious effort to learn to live beyond it is what I identified in myself as being that "perpetual victim". **


Learning to take responsibility for creating my day included learning how to take responsibility for my life outcome.

Day by day.

Moment by moment.

It meant learning the difference between living in the mindset of  "blame" 

While letting go of the self blame and shame that fueled my self hatred and perpetuated my victimhood. 

Which I wore very welll...btw:) 

This is the place where I give responsibility to those who let me down 


And take responsibility for becoming the creator of my own "best" life.

Focusing on my pain, seeking sympathy in the guise of "support" kept me stuck and struggling for many many years. 

I'd been victimized - I was no longer a victim. 

I had survived - but wanted to live beyond survival. 

This is my passion today...

To share the truth that set me free and allowed me to become the creator of my "best life" vs the perpetual victim of life. 

The biggest lesson I learned about the emotional healing journey?

Is that its not about "fixing" what was broken

but about learning how to live.

This week...

Use your inner wisdom to guide you to a place where you are allowed to feel your pain and grow through it instead of staying stuck in it.

Thank the helpful friends who offer their sage advice and - find those who will allow you your voice. 

Seek comfort in compassion vs distraction.

Learning to sit with and go through our pain is how we grow beyond it. 

I'm sorry you suffered.

I'm sorry for the losses you experienced...

I feel angry knowing that there are many who have experienced RBT's* at the hand of those who were intended to love, honor and cherish...charged to nurture, guide and celebrate the life that lives in you.

And I'm so

so

so

grateful

You have chosen to share the journey.

We were powerless.

We are no more.

We can take back our todays

Create our tomorrows

And live the life we adore.

You've got the magic in you. 

Now...

Lights!

Camara!

Action!

You're on!

Let your light shine in the way you create your life.


It. Is. Never


"Too late".


Always there...

Susan

We can learn to live beyond the pain of the past and take back our tomorrows by the way we choose to live our today. 

True story:)

RBT's* = Really Bad Things (and I am so so sorry you or someone you know may have experienced RBT's) 

**(The opposite of of a constant focus on our pain is denying, avoiding and otherwise ignoring that I'm even in pain - listen in here for a story about that: Empowering Solutions on Blog Talk Radio with Heal My PTSD)

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

 
 Go here www.empoweringsolutionsnow.com to register to get more empowering solutions in your inbox and be on the list to receive my gift to you, my first ebook when it is published: Empowering Solutions: From the Beginning.

Register for the Empowering Solutions news and updates here...

Trauma is trauma and healing is healing; learning to create my "best life"

Photo Credit

From the Empowering Solutions Community page recently....

Trauma is trauma. It's our stories that are unique. Thus, believing my trauma was worse than or less than someone else's left me hopeless for healing. I found an empowering solution in learning to let go of the details that kept me stuck and using them to find my solution in the emotional healing process of shifting from that rumination where I was the perpetual victim to resolution where I became my own hero.


The similarities of our experiences is how we find support and validation...in the sharing of our stories.

But when I was stuck in only telling my story over and over

and over

to others who were simply telling their stories over and over

and over...

I was stuck in my pain and the "symptoms" of the normal emotional and cognitive/mental distress that comes with being a

trauma survivor.


I had sought "therapy" for many many years only to be told that my trauma experiences were so devastating, so extensive, so ingrained into my person that I would never

ever

find healing.


It was when I was able to understand that there was indeed a normal human emotional healing process that was applicable to every single one of my trauma experiences. And while I understood that I would not be who I might have been had I not been traumatized, violated, manipulated, oppressed and abused...

But 

I could be

all I can be today and tomorrow...

and I began to understand that as things came up for me in my healing journey

it was not necessary to heal it

all

at the same time....

But the task was to know how to heal

at all. 

It was in the going through

that I finally got out of

the pain

the darkness

the misery

that was surviving.

I wanted more.

I wanted to live

and I finally understood that it is

never

never 

too late.

I discovered that it is completely possible to learn to no longer be that perpetual victim of life

but that I could learn to create

my best life.

From the archives....


There is only one hero.... and its you:)

Be Your Own Hero  An excerpt..."I can never become what I was meant to be when I am looking for what might have been."

Please sit with me and listen "The key is to tell not to those who are naysayers or those who have all the answers. But to sit with one who can sit with both our anger and our joy."


When the student is ready... The gist of this one..."This is that place where I was the student that was ready - and willing to take the action - and my teacher always came."


In love and admiration for your determination to no longer be a victim, live far beyond survival and discover your own


best life. :)


SusanKs

You can join us at the Empowering Solutions Community page for daily bites of brilliance for the journey by clicking here:) 

Abuse: I "didn't know that I didn't know"

We'll get back to the discussion on making the shift from "illness" to "wellness" mindset shortly; in the meantime...

Some of us "don't know what we don't know".

Personally, over the years when I was asked if I was "abused" I would say shamefully "no" because first - I didn't know what it was like to not be abused, this was my "normal"...

...and second - I'd been trained to believe that somehow it was my fault what the adults in my life had done to me and thus as I grew into adulthood, I repeated this pattern in my relationships not because I was "bad", "defective", "less than" or "ill" - but because it was all I knew.

I "didn't know that that I didn't know" that I was living the generational pattern of abuse in my life.

I just thought something was "wrong" with me; that I was "defective" and as I entered the mental health system in 1992, the abuse was ignored and I accepted that I was actually "ill", "diseased" and "defective"; somehow I was "genetically" broken.
That something was "wrong" with me...not that I'd been raised in an environment that left me ill equipped to face the world as an individual.

This article I'm referencing addresses male to female abuse but truth is....these are indicators of men to women, women to men,male to male or female to female, adult to child, perpetrator to victim in any situation, any relationship.

Abuse of any kind is not restricted to "intimate" or "domestic" relationships but can be seen in all societal relationships in various degrees. It doesn't matter what we call it...."dating violence", "domestic violence", "gay or lesbian" violence, "sexual discrimination" in workplaces...

...it all boils down to one thing: a perpetrator needing to validate their existence through the control and oppression of another.

Think globally as in war and prisoner of war camps. Same idea, different people, places and circumstances.

Abuse is often tolerated as "normal" although in truth is an indicator of that struggle of "power and control" and that power imbalance in oppressive relationships and may often precede physical abuse and violation as the victims are "groomed" to tolerate the intolerable.
Knowledge is the beginning of the truth that will set us free.

Often, abuse issues are looked at as if controlling the "abuser" will change things yet we hear over and over how those who were once the victim repeatedly find themselves in abusive relationships and environments.

So while becoming informed and learning how to identify abuse is the beginning - the cycle of abuse doesn't "end" by focussing on the "perpetrators" and we know this because we frequently will leave one abusive relationship and find ourselves in another.

Escaping the pattern of abuse for me began with identifying what it was within myself that attracted me to and was the basis to repeat this pattern in my adult relationships - not by living in that state of hyper-vigelance where I had to be "on guard" to catch the next perpetrator.

As long as I lived my life "on guard" for the next "abuser" I was focussed again on finding my "solution" in something or someone outside of myself instead of concentrating on learning how to no longer be a victim.

This was that "false sense of power" that came from an environment where I learned to "be" good enough or "do" right enough to avoid being hurt or to be "loved" by manipulating situations and circumstances in order to be "accepted" in an environment where being "me" wasn't allowed. (I.E. if I could "spot" the abuse, I could "avoid" it someway or do or say something to make the abuser "love" me...or at least stop hurting me.)

We can't change other people or the choices they make... but we can gain the knowledge that will empower us in our own lives and help us to change things for the next generation.
You can read the article here.

Q: Thoughts?

Creator? Or Constant Victim? Yeah...I was done with that!

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

Victim? Rescuer? Perpetrator or Troublemaker?

We all play these roles at different times and sometimes in the same situation. 

Learning to recognize this is how I learned to change it.

The benefit was that learning this helped me to learn how to cultivate healthy vs dependent relationships.

This empowered me to begin to stop recreating the pattern of abuse in my life that left me feeling powerless over my own life yet feeling responsible for everyone else's life.

On top of that this knowledge helped me to feel more confident about life and the world in general.

Why?

Because I was now in creator of my best life vs. a constant victim of life. :)

~

Psssst!


Keep your eyes open! Things are a growing and changing here in my world and I've got some irons in the fire! 


What? You say?


Yes; well, I don't want to give too much away but this year you can expect some stuff!


So - if you haven't yet signed up for stuff...


You can do so in the form at the top left of the page where it says...


SEND ME STUFF! 


With love and appreciation for sharing the journey,


Susan Ks.

Back in time...A Blast From the Past

Every now and then I like to just revisit the archives so today - a few shares from last year.

This Is How We Do It....from April 2011 a brief excerpt...I frequently am asked "how did you do this? How do I heal? How do I let the past no longer control my today? How do I get past this pain that never leaves me?"

Also from April 2011....No Longer A Victim And Much More Than A Survivor.  This piece talks about how I saw that by focusing on rehashing the problem over and over was keeping me stuck in it and that by learing how to "go through" the pain - I found freedom from it. An excerpt: Focusing on my pain, seeking sympathy in the guise of "support" kept me stuck and struggling for many many years. I'd been victimized - I was no longer a victim. I had survived - but wanted to live beyond survival. 

This Is Where Well Being Begins is from December 2011 and here I reveal how flabbergasted I was when I realized that this wasn't rocket science - not easy - but not rocket science either. A few words from this piece: Its about learning how to make the past make sense in our today and that begins with learning to recognize when my today was about my past.

And from October 2011 Trauma is Trauma and Healing is Healing  This essay reveals that I discovered it wasn't my specific trauma that was the problem but that I did not know how to heal myself from any trauma experience. An excerpt: It was when I was able to understand that there was indeed a normal human emotional healing process that was applicable to every single one of my trauma experiences. And while I understood that I would not be who I might have been had I not been traumatized, violated, manipulated, oppressed and abused...

Do you have a favorite post from the past? 

Find it and drop the link in the comments below; I'll use those to make another post of your personal favorites in a "blast from the past"! 

Always grateful we can share the journey!

Susan:) 

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

 

Staying Stuck vs Finding Freedom

As sometimes happens - I will post something that I wonder how it will go over. Todays post is one of those times. I posted this at the Facebook Empowering Solutions page last week fully expecting to receive no comments or response or expecting a response where readers became defensive of their "support groups". Instead - I received several comments that said things like "AMEN!", "Love this page!" and "Beautiful!". 

Since it went over well there - I thought readers of A Journey might appreciate the lessons I learned as I was seeking solutions and instead - often found myself stuck in the problems.

Along the way I realized there are plenty of "pages" and "groups" where I could go to get my ego stroked. 

Lots of ways I can get involved with others who are still full of anger at what others did to them that harmed them. 

Places where I can talk about and learn to recognize "abusers" and "narcissists" abound aplenty. 

Many opportunities to become enmeshed in self pity. 

Tons of places where I can find others who are not wanting to "trigger" me, to take care of me - instead of teaching me to take care of myself. 

Lots of places where I could hang out where my anger at what others had done to me was fanned and fueled.

Yet - there are few places where I could go to learn to grow beyond that place of chronic victimhood. 

Few places to learn how to trust myself instead of feeling like I could trust no one. 

When I was a part of those places and sought out those groups that made me feel good about being a "victim" and a "survivor"… 

I did not grow. 

To find my path to freedom from the past I had to be willing to start seeing myself not as a victim and more than a survivor. 

I had to be willing to walk away from those places where it felt really good to be wrapped up in the caring of others who had had similar experiences; where I could remain that powerless child waiting for someone to "help" me, to "fix" me. To tell me that I was amazing, powerful and capable. 

Until I realized that only I could give those things to myself.

I had to be willing to walk toward the light instead of staying in the darkness. 

I had to stop focusing on what had happened to me and how it had left me feeling broken…

I had to stop seeking others who were so willing to soothe my wounds and learn to make myself feel better. 

I had to decide to "get a life" instead of wanting and wishing for a perfect life where I was someone - except who I was.

I had to start seeking solutions that empowered me to start telling a story not about what happened to me but about how I overcame what happened to me. 

Empowering Solutions is the result of that search for the answers that set me free from that darkness that consumed my days, my nights and my life. 

Welcome to Empowering Solutions. 

May we all find our power and create our "best life".

In eternal gratitude that we share this journey.

Susan

PS…does this post speak to you? 

Do you see yourself as wanting to grow but still stuck in the muck of the past, telling your story over and over; commiserating with others in telling their stories over and over? 

Are you tired of not being able to trust anyone? 

Are you ready to start learning how to trust yourself instead of blindly trusting everyone? 

Are you ready for some "empowering" solutions? 

Please join us at the Facebook community page for daily notes and inspiration to support you as you travel this path to your own "unlimited life" and don't forget to subscribe at the top of this page for both blog updates and our very occasional newsletter. 

You can also subscribe at Empowering Solutions Radio where we talk about the "how" behind breaking free from the drama, trauma and dysfunction that has been our life. 


Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!™  

One step forward...wait.....no thats two steps forward??

and two steps back it seems sometimes. Or is it two steps forward and one step back? either way this week I did move forward but it was a bumpy ride.

Last week was my first day on this new job - and after being in "hyper vigilance" mode the weeks before as I prepared my brain and body completely shut down. I could not think, my body felt weak to the point of just getting off the couch required superhuman effort it seems.

So I accepted that I needed to rest and in a couple of days I had some energy - my brain was working again and I dove into the follow up of my program - and the hard drive in my new-to-me 1 year old laptop - crashed.

Who'da thought? So I deal with that and set up my old slower-than-molasses pc and try again over the weekend and my internet server goes down. Phone calls. More phone calls. "So sorry - we will get someone out to look at it Monday".

So - the old way of coping goes something like "OMG I AM GOING TO FAIL AT THIS. HOW CAN I DO MY JOB? I JUST PUT OUT $X IN THIS NEW SYSTEM AND LOOK AT IT....OMG HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS? THIS COMPANY PAID ME TO DO A JOB AND I CANT EVEN SEND OUT AN EMAIL..." Get the picture?

Now mind you - in the past, this was the only way I knew to cope I.E. not cope and blame circumstances and people outside of me for why I was failing.

So I had a moment. Ok; I had a FEW moments. I felt stressed. I felt agitated. I paced. I felt isolated and insignificant. And then I decided that I could do this anyway. And with this decision I took one step...then another.

I wrote my follow up email to my corporate group in a word document on my atiquidated pc. Then I let it go and went about doing other things and got a good nights rest.

Monday morning. Still no internet.

I made plans to head out to the coffee shop and hope my old laptop would 1. boot up and 2. not freeze up.

Then - as I'm talking to someone about which new external hard drive to buy I look at my modem and - whila! I have service!

So I quickly re entered my contacts into gmail (remember, my computer crashed right after my last group so they werent accessable to me here) did a quick cut and paste and sent it off.

I pulled up my powerpoint and started doing my revisions (as long as only 1 program is running I am guarenteed my old pc will SLOWLY get the job done). I saved my files. Printed to the printer that works with the pc and then copied in color on the new-and-improved-wireless printer that works with the laptop that does not work.....

And I was done and ready for work yesterday morning.

What's the point here?

The point is that my old coping patterns still come up when the stress level goes up - but - that with understanding of what was happening inside my head (overgeneralization, catastrophizing, black and white thinking etc...) and that I am no longer that little child victim, helpless to affect change or protect myself - I was able to pull myself out of what could have (in the past) been another excuse to stay in my hole and live life as that perpetual victim of circumstance.

So here we go - cheers to me for making lemonade when life gave me lemons :)

To stop telling the story...

To stop telling the "story"? 




Meant I would be facing the feelings. 

Meant I would learn to live in acceptance of what "is" and "was" vs trying to create my own version of "what should be".

Meant letting go of the idea that others "could have" or "should have" done something different to make the story have a different ending.

Meant choosing to live in conscious awareness of when I was using "story" to avoid my reality, my "now".

Meant acknowledging that I was powerless and a victim then.

Meant grieving the loss of the life I did not have, do not have, will not have because of the story.

Meant acknowledging that I was no longer powerless and no longer a victim.

Meant finally "getting" what the serenity prayer means...

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

The wisdom to know the difference

Meant that I was no longer sacrificing my todays and tomorrows to those who took my past.



Meant that I was finally free.

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!™

 
Thanks for following, reading and sharing :)

As It Goes…

So, as it goes, things change. Life is an evolution and for me a marvelous, exciting and sometimes challenging experiment.

I've been writing here at A Journey since April 6, 2009 where I began to chronicle my journey out of the darkness  and into the light after a lifetime of seeing myself as a victim who had "no choice" and realizing in this amazing journey that I no longer had to live as a victim and that there was life far beyond "recovery" and survival. 

Then for awhile my path shifted and as the student who tries to be ready, I found myself drawn to other adventures like creating the Empowering Solutions page and podcast.

I tried my hand at guest blogging at a few places and was able to contribute on some issues that are very dear to my heart like the abuse and dysfunction many of us come from  , finding our own path to personal empowerment  and sharing a bit of my story as it relates to how I experienced the nearly 2 decades of my life when I was told by doctors that I had a brain disease, was ill and would need "medication for life" and the resulting years of protracted withdrawals when another doctor decided I no longer needed them as a trauma survivor. (NOTE: NEVER let a doctor tell you that you can "just stop" these drugs; this is very dangerous. I was fortunate to have the tenacity to go through this and come out the other end ok; many are not able to tolerate the impact of cold turkey or even a short taper. Get informed to be empowered - you can start here if you need resources.)

I wrote about how I came to choose a new paradigm for myself and this has led to my coming to terms with realizing that I had never been "sick" and that it was the drugs I was being given that actually was the source of the symptoms that seemed to get worse instead of better, even though I was following "doctors orders" to the letter.

As time went on my focus shifted to healing myself and my psyche from the damage of being told I was "ill" and the realization that I am not what they told me I was and had been so terribly harmed and made ill by those I trusted with my health and my life; my doctors and those I sought out for support and help in my journey.

In following the inner drive to make meaning of these experiences, in time I found myself shifting my focus from this blog to the Facebook platform where I have met hundreds and thousands of amazing people on their own individual journey's.

Here I found a camaraderie of persons who have experienced their own journey to well being in many different ways. To each of you - I am in awe of your strength and courage and in complete gratitude that somehow our paths have crossed. In support of those who have wondered about the use of psychiatric drugs I created a workshop and website and was invited to contribute a chapter on using the internet and social media to find support.

Time moved on and I was seeming to lose my voice, I was unclear to my path and my purpose and realized along the way that in order for me to regain my footing and clarity that it was vital that I stop trying to create new things and start focusing on letting go of the old so I could embrace the new. 

So here we are.

It's nearly autumn 2014 and my journey is again changing directions as I focus on continuing to reclaim my health, create my best life and rediscover my voice.

I don't have a clear vision of what my path is just yet - but I do have a desire again to write now and then so - stay tuned; my hope is that we will continue to travel this path together.

Namaste.

May you be well, be happy and live in peace.

Susan

Abuse Disguised – the “grooming” behind learning to tolerate the intolerable

Photo credit here

Recently over on the blog Emerging From Broken (EFB) Carla Dippel wrote a post she titled "Groomed to doubt in Spiritual Abuse”.

The response by the readers was first, immediate, second impassioned and third overwhelming as nearly 50 comments were made on this post within minutes of it's arrival. This was clearly a subject that touched the hearts of many on this issue of how we are often "groomed" by those around us to learn to "tolerate the intolerable".

You can read the post I wrote recently on "Abuse: I didn't know that I didn't know" ”....because of the "grooming" that goes on as we are trained to tolerate abuse to such a point that it becomes our "normal".

I wanted to add this post-script to my first comment EFB, but for some reason I was unable to post this as a comment, so I am posting it here on “A Journey” because it is such an important issue that we learn to recognize that what we may have come to know as “normal” may in fact be abuse that we have simply learned to tolerate.

My comment/response to Carla’s post on how she experienced the spiritual abuse as she was groomed in the church to doubt herself…

I also experienced this form of abuse that you describe here, Carla....and have since come to rely on my better judgment to avoid anyone or any place/organization (including therapists, doctors as well as "pastors or anyone else) that puts themselves above another, judges another or tries to tell me "you can’t do it without _________" or "you need __________ .

What I have found is that "spiritual" is wayyyy different than "church" - and the people in it - and no one has the right to decide for me what I "need" or "need to do"- whether they are with a religious organization, a personal relationship, a professional/work relationship or a caretaker.

Anytime anyone is telling another person how to live their life, criticize their life choices, their thoughts, ideas, opinions and decisions, ridicule, shame and embarrass another in order to force compliance...."or else".. or "you can't do this without me/us"....this is power and control du jour.

Abuse of any form is about "doing" not "being" a person....it's about doing it "right enough" or "good enough".

And often we never know what it "Right" or "good" because it changes and we are dependent on others to "feed" us for a day, tell us what to do, how to live, what’s my answer, "fix me" - and those who are attempting to exert this control over others thoughts, feelings and actions does whatever they must to keep their victims in line, doubting themselves and dependent on the abuser for validation, approval, love and acceptance.

It doesn't matter if it is a church or a specific religion, a family, a dating relationship, a therapist, doctor, friend, father, mother, sister, brother, lover, friend an employer - or a comment in a thread online.

Abuse is not selective and is in all life arenas and is all about telling another what to do, how to do it and when to do it....and "you are wrong if you believe differently than I do or try to do it in any other way"- and "you can't do it without me/us/it".

When we learn to identify "abuse" and learn how to not be a victim, to live a self empowered life free of dependence on others for validation and the need for acceptance at any price - we are empowered to protect ourselves from predators no matter what "church" they belong to (or any other abusive relationship.)

And I think those who are seeking for answers in others - in people places and things outside of themselves - will continue be prey for those seeking the thrill of power who will do whatever is necessary to keep the "sheep" in line.

Learning to live a self empowered life is much more than living in a chronic state of fear or hyper-vigilance on the lookout for the next “abuser” or “perpetrator” from home, work, church…whatever the source of the power/control issues.

It’s about learning how to no longer be a victim and creating the life we choose for ourselves each day…trusting ourselves instead of relying on others to define our reality and being “on guard” for the next abuser.

Anger and Acceptance

Sunset

8/6/10

Anger and Acceptance is a big deal in the healing journey.

At some point I was able to piece together that my initial anger or irritation at others and circumstances - past or present - was connected to that sense of powerlessness that had ruled my life for such a long time. 

This served a couple of purposes....

In focusing on what others "should" do or "should" have done I had a sense of power over the behaviors of others as I judged them and their actions and often got lost in "story" and being that perpetual victim as my focus was on the power others seemed to have over my life. This kind of rumination was like pouring salt in a wound and reliving the injury or offense over and over.

And - focusing on what I thought others should or should not have done or be doing....successfully kept my feelings at bay and allowed me to avoid shifting from that "fight or flight" response of stress or conflict to the more vulnerable state of feeling the feelings behind my personal boundaries being violated and the "Story"  that would enable me to find healing.

It took some practice but eventually I was able to recognize that my anger was not a bad thing thing, needing to be managed. But that this feeling was the starting place for recognizing the difference between accepting what I truly had no power over - what others do, think or say - as well as the things that I DID have power over - my own thoughts, feelings and choices  today.


And slowly I made that shift from rumination to resolution of past injuries and learned to no longer tolerate the intolerable and embrace the power within that would allow me to create the change that would change my life.

Related Posts...

Fighting Forgiveness

I Held the Key to my Freedom


 Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!
~

"I can't take it anymore" - Overwhelm as a normal response to overwhelming life experiences

"Overwhelm" is a common place for those who hail from backgrounds of drama/trauma/dysfunction.

Why? Because we are defective?

No.

Because we were often required to live life in survival mode where we rarely got reprieve from balancing learning and growing with staying out of harms way (be that emotional, psychological or physical harm). 

We also did not learn valuable life skills like prioritizing, choosing, organizing, boundary setting, self care and so on.

But today we are talking about that place of overwhelm...


That place where we want to stand up....

Stomp our foot...

And scream from the top of our lungs...

I can't take it anymore!!!!!!!

AAARRRRGGGGGG!

Or...

Maybe instead of lashing out...

We try to escape.

We run away.

We avoid.

We say one thing....

Why yes! I'd be delighted to help you paint your house, pack it up and move you across town!  

Yet do another....

That was yesterday? OMG! I completely forgot! 

Or maybe we'll get "sick"...or "hurt"

I am so sorry....I woke up with a sore throat/was up all night with my son/daughter/cat/dog...vomiting omg...I feel so sick, my foot is broken, I twisted my ankle chasing the damned cat....

Or maybe we'll pick a fight...

You said you would ____________. You are such a jerk/bitch/a****le. Well hell no - I'm not going to help you move. 

Or maybe we just....go away and fall into a place of depression and despondency...

Hoping no one finds us but ...wanting someone to rescue us, to pay attention to us....to take care of us. 

The point is....


A feeling of overwhelm is a normal response for those of us who have not had the life experiences that would allow us to know how to balance life on lifes terms. 

AND....

We can learn the coping and life skills that will enable us to feel empowered.


We can choose to change how we view ourselves....and the world around us.

We can learn to live as the creator of our "best life"...

That we can live our own "Un-limited life".

Where to begin? 

Right here.

Right now.

We begin by taking this off "auto pilot" and...

1. Acknowledge where we are right now - and that we don't have to stay there

Recognize and acknowledge that people, places, things and life circumstances are not causing our feeling of overwhelm but - that our inner resources are exhausted. 


Acknowledge and come to an understanding that the coping and life skills we learned in the trauma/drama/dysfunction were insuffiencient to allow us to not feel overwhelmed. 

Acknowledge that to create this change will take time and by knowing where I'm at....is the first step to getting where I want to be. 

2. Accept this as a normal response for our life experiences and that we can learn to live beyond it. 

Practice accepting that we are not defective but - that we are complete and full of an inner wisdom that once we begin to tap into it and become the creator of our life rather than a perpetual victim of life. 


Learning to view overwhelm not as  disorder or character defect -  but a normal human response to life circumstances that have overwhelmed our ability to cope is where I found the power to create this change. 

3. Awareness that this will take time. 

Grasp that there is no magic bullet, no one can fix this for us - but when we begin to see ourselves as capable...we will also begin to see how to create this change for ourselves

Focusing not on what we see as impossible but - each day rehearsing what we want for ourselves and the infinite possibilities that await us

Understand that it takes time to create change - that it is only in our childlike pain of never "being enough" that keeps us stuck in the magical thinking that we "should" be "better" "by now. Awareness and acknowledgement that we are human, that this is a normal thing to struggle with and that by taking action today I can have the tomorrow I want. 

Understanding that the expectations of others are often way below or way above where are at any given moment. Learning to become aware of how others expectations affect us can enable us to let go of the idea that we have to be anything other than who we are. That we ARE "enough".

4. Knowing that engaged action will take us from where we are to where we want to be

We can spend years...decades...a lifetime....wishing, wanting and talking about what we want - but never achieving the kind of change that can change our life. It is often when we stop talking about it that we finally do something about it.

Taking one action each day will get us to where we want to be tomorrow. Creating a plan on purpose is the beginning of shifting our wishes, dreams and desires from "some day..." to today. 

Not knowing where to start...makes it tough to start. Begin the day with remembering to live in awareness of the feeling of overwhelm as well as some new coping strategies.

A few tips to get you started on learning to live beyond overwhelm...

• Step back, don't say "yes" right away, always wait 3 days before making a commitment to a new idea or project, 
• Get honest with yourself. If you don't want to do something - make it ok to admit that instead of blaming someone else for your overwhelm. 
• Practice saying "no" in little ways to develop the confidence to say "no" to bigger issues. Saying "no. I'd like that table over there" at a restaurant is sort of a pre-requisite for being able to say "No. I'd rather see this movie" to an intimate relationship. 
• Recognize when you are falling into avoidance by picking a fight, "forgetting", getting "sick" or hurt in order to find an excuse to say "no". There is no shame and much power in choosing to live in conscious awareness of the subtle intent behind our actions. 
• Own up - when you catch yourself using old coping strategies like picking a fight and blaming others for your overwhelm.....first - admit it to yourself then apologize to the people involved."I was feeling really overwhelmed about coming over yesterday to help you paint and I took it out on you instead of telling you how I was feeling and that I really just wanted to stay home. I'd like to apologize for blasting you." (NOTE: This does NOT mean we have to stay around if the person involved starts chastising or shaming us instead of accepting our apology. It is ALWAYS ok to excuse ourselves from situations that feel bad)

Understanding that our current method of dealing with overwhelm are learned behaviors (responses to stress) AND that as such...

We can learn how to do it differently.

Now...

Go forth and rock your world:)

Show em what you've got....

Let a little light in....

And you'll light someone else's life a little:)

Always here,

Susan

This link is where you'll find some related posts on learning to let life unfold...naturally. Click here to go there. :) 

PS....

The "how" behind the journey is a learning process. Join us at the Facebook Community page here for the daily notes and get on the list here for upcoming events and news. 

PPSS...thanks for reading and please consider sharing:) 



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