As It Goes…

So, as it goes, things change. Life is an evolution and for me a marvelous, exciting and sometimes challenging experiment.

I've been writing here at A Journey since April 6, 2009 where I began to chronicle my journey out of the darkness  and into the light after a lifetime of seeing myself as a victim who had "no choice" and realizing in this amazing journey that I no longer had to live as a victim and that there was life far beyond "recovery" and survival. 

Then for awhile my path shifted and as the student who tries to be ready, I found myself drawn to other adventures like creating the Empowering Solutions page and podcast.

I tried my hand at guest blogging at a few places and was able to contribute on some issues that are very dear to my heart like the abuse and dysfunction many of us come from  , finding our own path to personal empowerment  and sharing a bit of my story as it relates to how I experienced the nearly 2 decades of my life when I was told by doctors that I had a brain disease, was ill and would need "medication for life" and the resulting years of protracted withdrawals when another doctor decided I no longer needed them as a trauma survivor. (NOTE: NEVER let a doctor tell you that you can "just stop" these drugs; this is very dangerous. I was fortunate to have the tenacity to go through this and come out the other end ok; many are not able to tolerate the impact of cold turkey or even a short taper. Get informed to be empowered - you can start here if you need resources.)

I wrote about how I came to choose a new paradigm for myself and this has led to my coming to terms with realizing that I had never been "sick" and that it was the drugs I was being given that actually was the source of the symptoms that seemed to get worse instead of better, even though I was following "doctors orders" to the letter.

As time went on my focus shifted to healing myself and my psyche from the damage of being told I was "ill" and the realization that I am not what they told me I was and had been so terribly harmed and made ill by those I trusted with my health and my life; my doctors and those I sought out for support and help in my journey.

In following the inner drive to make meaning of these experiences, in time I found myself shifting my focus from this blog to the Facebook platform where I have met hundreds and thousands of amazing people on their own individual journey's.

Here I found a camaraderie of persons who have experienced their own journey to well being in many different ways. To each of you - I am in awe of your strength and courage and in complete gratitude that somehow our paths have crossed. In support of those who have wondered about the use of psychiatric drugs I created a workshop and website and was invited to contribute a chapter on using the internet and social media to find support.

Time moved on and I was seeming to lose my voice, I was unclear to my path and my purpose and realized along the way that in order for me to regain my footing and clarity that it was vital that I stop trying to create new things and start focusing on letting go of the old so I could embrace the new. 

So here we are.

It's nearly autumn 2014 and my journey is again changing directions as I focus on continuing to reclaim my health, create my best life and rediscover my voice.

I don't have a clear vision of what my path is just yet - but I do have a desire again to write now and then so - stay tuned; my hope is that we will continue to travel this path together.

Namaste.

May you be well, be happy and live in peace.

Susan

Staying Stuck vs Finding Freedom

As sometimes happens - I will post something that I wonder how it will go over. Todays post is one of those times. I posted this at the Facebook Empowering Solutions page last week fully expecting to receive no comments or response or expecting a response where readers became defensive of their "support groups". Instead - I received several comments that said things like "AMEN!", "Love this page!" and "Beautiful!". 

Since it went over well there - I thought readers of A Journey might appreciate the lessons I learned as I was seeking solutions and instead - often found myself stuck in the problems.

Along the way I realized there are plenty of "pages" and "groups" where I could go to get my ego stroked. 

Lots of ways I can get involved with others who are still full of anger at what others did to them that harmed them. 

Places where I can talk about and learn to recognize "abusers" and "narcissists" abound aplenty. 

Many opportunities to become enmeshed in self pity. 

Tons of places where I can find others who are not wanting to "trigger" me, to take care of me - instead of teaching me to take care of myself. 

Lots of places where I could hang out where my anger at what others had done to me was fanned and fueled.

Yet - there are few places where I could go to learn to grow beyond that place of chronic victimhood. 

Few places to learn how to trust myself instead of feeling like I could trust no one. 

When I was a part of those places and sought out those groups that made me feel good about being a "victim" and a "survivor"… 

I did not grow. 

To find my path to freedom from the past I had to be willing to start seeing myself not as a victim and more than a survivor. 

I had to be willing to walk away from those places where it felt really good to be wrapped up in the caring of others who had had similar experiences; where I could remain that powerless child waiting for someone to "help" me, to "fix" me. To tell me that I was amazing, powerful and capable. 

Until I realized that only I could give those things to myself.

I had to be willing to walk toward the light instead of staying in the darkness. 

I had to stop focusing on what had happened to me and how it had left me feeling broken…

I had to stop seeking others who were so willing to soothe my wounds and learn to make myself feel better. 

I had to decide to "get a life" instead of wanting and wishing for a perfect life where I was someone - except who I was.

I had to start seeking solutions that empowered me to start telling a story not about what happened to me but about how I overcame what happened to me. 

Empowering Solutions is the result of that search for the answers that set me free from that darkness that consumed my days, my nights and my life. 

Welcome to Empowering Solutions. 

May we all find our power and create our "best life".

In eternal gratitude that we share this journey.

Susan

PS…does this post speak to you? 

Do you see yourself as wanting to grow but still stuck in the muck of the past, telling your story over and over; commiserating with others in telling their stories over and over? 

Are you tired of not being able to trust anyone? 

Are you ready to start learning how to trust yourself instead of blindly trusting everyone? 

Are you ready for some "empowering" solutions? 

Please join us at the Facebook community page for daily notes and inspiration to support you as you travel this path to your own "unlimited life" and don't forget to subscribe at the top of this page for both blog updates and our very occasional newsletter. 

You can also subscribe at Empowering Solutions Radio where we talk about the "how" behind breaking free from the drama, trauma and dysfunction that has been our life. 


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The Task of the Journey

I found the task of the healing journey was to learn how to feel that which I had to not feel in order to survive. Beyond that it was learning to live in a world that had before been unsafe and engage in relationships when I'd not had healthy relationship modeled for me. This was learning to live from the inside out as the creator of my life instead of the outside in where I live on "hyper alert" and on guard, a victim of life. ~Susan Kingsley-Smith

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To stop telling the story...

To stop telling the "story"? 




Meant I would be facing the feelings. 

Meant I would learn to live in acceptance of what "is" and "was" vs trying to create my own version of "what should be".

Meant letting go of the idea that others "could have" or "should have" done something different to make the story have a different ending.

Meant choosing to live in conscious awareness of when I was using "story" to avoid my reality, my "now".

Meant acknowledging that I was powerless and a victim then.

Meant grieving the loss of the life I did not have, do not have, will not have because of the story.

Meant acknowledging that I was no longer powerless and no longer a victim.

Meant finally "getting" what the serenity prayer means...

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

The wisdom to know the difference

Meant that I was no longer sacrificing my todays and tomorrows to those who took my past.



Meant that I was finally free.

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!™

 
Thanks for following, reading and sharing :)

Back in time...A Blast From the Past

Every now and then I like to just revisit the archives so today - a few shares from last year.

This Is How We Do It....from April 2011 a brief excerpt...I frequently am asked "how did you do this? How do I heal? How do I let the past no longer control my today? How do I get past this pain that never leaves me?"

Also from April 2011....No Longer A Victim And Much More Than A Survivor.  This piece talks about how I saw that by focusing on rehashing the problem over and over was keeping me stuck in it and that by learing how to "go through" the pain - I found freedom from it. An excerpt: Focusing on my pain, seeking sympathy in the guise of "support" kept me stuck and struggling for many many years. I'd been victimized - I was no longer a victim. I had survived - but wanted to live beyond survival. 

This Is Where Well Being Begins is from December 2011 and here I reveal how flabbergasted I was when I realized that this wasn't rocket science - not easy - but not rocket science either. A few words from this piece: Its about learning how to make the past make sense in our today and that begins with learning to recognize when my today was about my past.

And from October 2011 Trauma is Trauma and Healing is Healing  This essay reveals that I discovered it wasn't my specific trauma that was the problem but that I did not know how to heal myself from any trauma experience. An excerpt: It was when I was able to understand that there was indeed a normal human emotional healing process that was applicable to every single one of my trauma experiences. And while I understood that I would not be who I might have been had I not been traumatized, violated, manipulated, oppressed and abused...

Do you have a favorite post from the past? 

Find it and drop the link in the comments below; I'll use those to make another post of your personal favorites in a "blast from the past"! 

Always grateful we can share the journey!

Susan:) 

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

 

Good Day/Bad Day

Along the way I discovered that the idea of a "bad" day....wasn't so helpful or supportive of the life I wanted for myself soooo..............

To start having "good days"? 

I had to learn to consciously choose to shift my mind from "crap. Another day."...

To..."Damn! Another amazing day!".

Key words:

conscious = aware on purpose

choose = making the decision to be conscious of the day I was creating for myself and taking action to shift my mindset from one perspective (life sucks) to another (life rocks!). On purpose.

Simples steps for real change. :)

Did I succeed all the time every day?

Not at first.

In the beginning I had more "off" days than "on" days but again ...

By choosing to return to the idea of what I wanted in time I found I had created a life that I wanted.

True story:)

This really isn't the rocket science I'd thought it was.

It came down to choice...

First learning that I had a choice then....

Making the choice to choose.

Yup.

It really is that simple although....

Its not always that easy.

This again....

Is the "hard work" of learning to no longer be that perpetual victim of life but to become the creator of my best life.

I'm right there with you....:)

You can do this....

The hardest part was the first time I tried to make this mindshift from...

"WTF"

to

"What a life!".

Some tips?

Write this on a sticky note, note cards....put them in your books, stick it to your mirror...make a ring tone for your phone...journal in your notebook each morning....

repeat out loud many times each day....

My life is amazing! 

Then engage with the process by purposing to think it, do it, say it and fake it till you make it....

And trust that the process will work for you too.

Heres the kicker....

We can choose to engage - or not.

And by making no choice - we've chosen.

This is not a passive process.

By choosing to engage you are choosing to create change that can, over time, change your life. 

You are amazing:)

We begin by beginning here; right where we are.

You're a rock star and I'm thrilled to be your groupee:)

Always, always!

Susan:)



Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

 

www.myempoweringsolutions.com

There is no one to blame

A sobering thought I was contemplating....

Trauma/drama and dysfunction does not discriminate. There are no particular demographics. This is not a "boy" thing or a "girl" thing. Its not a thing where there is fault or blame although until a generation learns to change the way they view and engage with life we will pass this way of surviving/experiencing life to our children. It is by ending the desire to "blame" that perhaps we will end the perpetuating of the pain. Men blame women. Women blame men. Children blame parents. Parents blame children. When we all stop blaming and start doing our own work to heal our own pain  is perhaps when we will have healed enough to have healed the world. 

In others words...

Be the change.


When we stop blaming and start making others responsible for the things they do and say, establishing healthy boundaries and begin  communicating how their actions affected us instead of shaming and blaming them for how awful our life is today...


That, my friends....

Was a hard change to make.

I wanted revenge.

Justice.

I wanted to make them suffer the way they made me suffer.

The only thing with that?

Is that made me like them.

I know. 

It sucks.

Its hard.

It hurts.

And...

We are more powerful than we know....

The first step to tapping that power is letting go of believing we are still powerless. 

Letting go of the blame?

Meant I'd have no one to blame.

Get it?

To say it another way....

When I let go of the idea that something was "wrong" with me....

I had to  look at "ok then - well why am I so f*****d up?"

Of course!

Its my parents/husband/wife/kids/job/boss/therapist/the mailman, the milkman....I got fired, I was mugged, I was....

When there was no one to blame for why I was in such pain...

I had to go through the pain.

I could no longer avoid it. 

When I had no one else to blame...

I had to also become responsible.

What?

No - not responsible for what others have done that hurt me.

Responsible to learn how to deal with that hurt in a new way.

Learning how to let go of the childlike way of blame and hoping someone would rescue me, pay attention to me, understand me....

It became a truth that set me free...

Learning how to be responsible for myself to go through the pain instead of hanging onto it. 

(Deep breath here...)

I had to learn how to let go of the past...

that I could enjoy my today

and create my tomorrow. 



And the miracle?

Was that in learning to heal myself and "be the change" I wanted to see in the world?

I began to see things change in the world around me. 

Hard work; I get that and I'm feelin' it.

I'm right there with ya. 

You can do this. 

Be-come the creator of your own "best life". 

It is never too late. 

Always,

Susan:) 


Here are some other posts from the archives that talk a bit more about the how behind finding my healing and making it ok to let go of the past in order to begin creating my future. 

Fighting Forgiveness - the how behind finding the path to forgiveness and my new understanding that forgiveness was about me - not them. 

No Longer a Victim and Much More than a Survivor - an excerpt: This is the place where I give responsibility to those who let me down...and take responsibility for becoming the creator of my own "best" life.

Peace on Earth, Goodwill Toward Men an excerpt: And this was the place where I began to understand that as we begin to become the change we want to see in the world - that the world will begin to change.

It Wasn't Me. An excerpt: I was able to understand the difference between understanding that my past life experiences were the reason my life was f***ed up and...using my past as a reason why it is still f***ed up.

"story"? Or "Story"?  An excerpt: It was in shifting my Story to be about me, my anger at being violated, my power and my choice taken from me, to feel both the anger and the grief, to tell why this was important to me that I was able to move myself into, through and out of the healing process and give meaning to the backstory by telling MY story.


Leave your comments below ...

thanks for reading; please consider sharing:) 

 Go here to pre register for our first "empowerment bootcamp" this fall...then send me an email and tell me what it is that you are struggling with? What do you want to learn more about? You can email me at info@empowermentbootcamp.com


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I can and I will!

For those of you who are new to A Journey .... the focus on this blog is to share the journey about how I once was a victim and the path I've take where I have learned how to no longer be that perpetual victim by learning to see myself as much more than a survivor and as the creator of the "best life" that I wanted for myself. 

Like a lot of people who seek help for their well being, life issues and relationship struggles....

I felt powerless to do anything about the miserable lot in life I'd been handed. 

I was stuck in my victim-ness.

I wallowed in it.

I reminded anyone

and everyone

who would listen

just how much of a victim of life I was with all of my complaining and commiserating about the struggle life was for me.


To become the creator of my best life I had to be willing to learn how to no longer be a victim of life. 

And along the way I've discovered many others who feel the same or similar.

"Life sucks."

But they don't know how to crawl out of that hole.

So today - a few steps you can take to take back your power and engage with becoming the creator of your own "best life"....where I began to learn how to live beyond that perpetual place of pain and misery....

Note: "perpetual"meaning that I was perpetuaing this helplessness and hopelessness by the way I had learned to engage with and view my life and my world....I was unwittingly "creating" the life I was experiencing...)

1. Step one and an empowering solution was to learn to differentiate between those two places of "being"a Victim of life and be-coming the Creator of my best life.

Today ask yourself "why am I unhappy?" and then ask "what can I do about it?"

The answer to those questions always directed me to my next step because as a child victim I WAS powerless.   But as an adult creator I am NO LONGER powerless.

That "knowing" - that I am no longer powerless and no longer have to be a victim - allowed me to move to the next step which is action.

     2. If I, as an adult creator, don't know what to "do" my task then is to learn "how" in order that I have the knowledge to "what" to do. 

That - is what Empowering Solutions is about.

The daily notes and tiny bites and bits of knowledge that became the power behind the truth that set me free...

That I WAS a victim

I am and NO LONGER have to be a victim

and I can LEARN how to create my own unlimited life.

It takes time and it begins with being willing to let go of the idea that "I can't" with the first lesson being learning to make that mind shift to "I can and I will....just watch me!"

Love seeing your light:)

Susan

PS...Join Amy Eden and myself this Sunday morning for Sunday Solutions - we'll be chatting about how we learned to recognize why we were the ones with "kick me" taped to our backside. Learning to no longer be that perpetual victim....on Blog Talk Radio - get the archived version or listen live September 23rd by clicking here.

I'm glad you are here...thanks for reading - please considering sharing:) 


 

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!