The Task of the Journey

I found the task of the healing journey was to learn how to feel that which I had to not feel in order to survive. Beyond that it was learning to live in a world that had before been unsafe and engage in relationships when I'd not had healthy relationship modeled for me. This was learning to live from the inside out as the creator of my life instead of the outside in where I live on "hyper alert" and on guard, a victim of life. ~Susan Kingsley-Smith

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The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

This journey?

The path to our "best life"?

Begins here.

Today.

Right now.

The past sucked.

The task is to learn how to let it go - not "get over it".

How do we do that?

By choosing to "let go" instead of trying to pretend it never happened, didn't hurt and did not affect us. 

By choosing to "let go" instead of holding on as though without our pain we would not exist.

How do we do this? 

We feel and express the ANGER. 

We "let it out" in ways that are safe for us and does not hurt or offend others. We stop expecting others to "help" and we just let it out when it comes up.  

We feel the deep, gut wrenching GRIEF instead of letting it consume us. 

We fall on the floor sobbing and bawling. It would be nice to know someone will comfort us but if we wait for that to move on - some of will be waiting a lifetime. We grieve the sadness of all we lost and will never have. We grieve the losses and let go of the hope that "maybe they will change". We grieve and give our souls time to mourn for as long as we need. 
We CHOOSE to move on and let the past go as we learn to focus on creating the life we want instead of blaming those in our past for the life we have. 

We CHOOSE to learn to let go of the anger and the grief for a moment that we might learn to live for a lifetime.

How often do we do this?

As long as we need to and then maybe longer.

In the beginning it will be often and in time it will be less.

The key is - to just do it and then do it again. 

This is the task of learning to do life differently in order to have a different life. 

This is how we reach the light at the end of the tunnel.

You can do this. 

Is it hard? 

Yes. 

And I am so sorry for your pain. 

Yet it is learning to let it go that it no longer consumes and cripples us. 

I know its hard and I know you can handle it. 

My heart is with you.

Susan 

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Offering Advice - Or Butting In? Two Ways To Use This To Fuel Your Journey

Dysfunction is NOT about the others in our lives who behave badly. Its about what we do in our relationships that contribute to the dysfunction - and learning to do it differently. Today I'd like to explore a topic that was SUCH a big deal for me in my own journey and in the understanding of it - became a truth that set me free. 

Advice that we did not ask for is not advice - it's butting in. 

Setting "boundaries" on this issue is NOT about "making" others stop doing this but about knowing when to make space and keep our distance with those who don't get it. 

In healthy relationships we can say "I really just need/want to be heard and validated when I "share" my struggle with you"; it is not so helpful when you tell me what to do or offer advice I did not ask for". 

In this scene our friend/family will most likely acknowledge that their advice was not helpful; maybe even apologize for being assumptive that we needed "help" we did not ask for. In the future - they will make an effort to respect that "boundary" or "limit" that you have set for yourself.

In an unhealthy relationship this request will most often turn into another drama situation. 

The individual will likely become either aggressive and "turn it back on you" or they will become passive and avoid you - their feelings will be hurt, they may even imply that what you said is responsible for their hurt feelings. 

They may try to shame you for setting this limit and making this request. 

They may become sarcastic and in other circumstances make cutting remarks about "not offending you". 

They will not make any attempt to really respect your request and in time will simply resume assuming they know whats best for you and test to see if you will say anything again. 

They will assume you will not withdraw and if you do they may attack you and try to somehow bully you to return to allowing them to be "in your business". 

If you try to limit what you "share" very often this person will be offended and try to "draw" information from you while not sharing about their own life. 

This information about the difference between functional/dysfunctional relationships empowered me in 2 ways. 

1. To choose the relationships that were healthy and stop investing time in relationships that were not. 

2. To start recognizing this behavior in myself and "owning up" and making "amends" with those I had pushed my own views on and offered "help" that was not asked for on.

 It allowed me to start seeing where I was doing this to others so that I could change this in myself. 

Dysfunction is NOT about the others in our lives that behave badly. Its about what we do in our relationships - and learning to do it differently.

Its easy to focus on what others are doing or not doing that we'd like them to change. 

The challenge is to learn to see what we are doing and what we can change that makes the difference. 

Umhmmmm...

I'm feelin' your pain and watching you gain your own power to change your own life.

From the inside out. 

This - is the Hard Work. 

For more on creating the kind of change that can change our lives....visit this page where you can find more on what that "Hard Work" is about....

You can do this. :) 

Best always,

Susan

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Complaining

When I started looking inward for my solutions I realized that "complaining" was my immature way of saying "I don't know what to do to fix this problem for myself". 

The empowering solution?

Lie in learning to look for what I could do to set things right for myself instead of what I wanted others to do to make things right FOR me.




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Seeking and Searching

Its when we go from searching to doing that we get it done.


I can say this because this was one of my own "Life Lessons".....and a very empowering solution :) 

What one action could you take today that would shift you from seeking and searching to "doing"?



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There Was a Reason

From the Empowering Solutions Facebook page recently...

There was a reason I struggled and suffered and it wasn't because something was "wrong" with me but that I'd been conditioned from early on to tolerate the intolerable; to not resist, to surrender my power, to be compliant and obedient. 

My empowering solution came in the form of learning to recognize that depression, irritability, anger, anxiety and fear were NOT "just how I was" but that this was how I'd learned to cope and survive - by denying my true value and potential, surrendering my power and living in chronic frustration of not liking the way I was being treated yet - not knowing what to do to help myself. 

It was in recognizing that the depression, irritability, anger, anxiety and fear were symptoms of feeling overwhelmed and powerless AND THEN not focusing on "why do I feel so bad" or what others were doing that seemed to be causing me pain...

...but instead in CHOOSING to shift to "what am I feeling powerless over and what can I do about it to change this for myself?" is where I found the power to take the actions that would create the change that changed my life. 

There is nothing "wrong" with us who have struggled and we CAN learn the skills to change our life - "for life".

Really. 


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Some things have been changing - today at the empowering solutions blog: its not about "getting over it" but rather "getting past it"

Whew!

Over the past months you may have noticed that posting here on A Journey has slowed down.

A lot.

Thats a "good thing" in that it means I've been spending more time at the Facebook Community page and working on the Empowering Solutions blog here and there. 

Today I'd like to invite you to pop over to the ES blog and take a gander....

There are some new posts there and today's is post is on learning to help ourselves shift from "rumination" to "rejuvenation" as we learn to leave behind the life where we struggle and create the life where we are free of the pain of the past. 

I hope you'll join me there and subscribe for updates as the ES community continues to grow.

Best always,

Susan:)

PS...thanks always for your support,  your emails and sharing your journey with me. And btw...A Journey is not going anywhere:) 


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Transforming Trauma: Empowering Solutions on Blog Talk Radio

Transforming Trauma....listen in to Amy Eden and Susan Kingsley Smith on learning how to stop the cycle of drama/trauma and dysfunction in our adult life.

Listen to internet radio with Susanks on Blog Talk Radio

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From The Archives....To Let Life Unfold....Naturally

Every now and then I revisit the archives and share something from the past. Today that share is on learning to "let go", to recognize when I was caught up in trying to orchestrate life and all it is rather than living life and all it can be. 

From the archives today...an excerpt:

To "let go" and "let life unfold naturally" is to recognize that my need and efforts at controlling the people, places and things in my life is artificially influencing situations, circumstances and relationships that exist outside of the realm of of what I truly have the ability to control within myself. 

And while that may "feel" better at the moment; often the end result is more drama and chaos as others resist my efforts to influence their thoughts, feelings and choices.

You can read the rest by clicking here.... 

Always good to "see" you here!

Susan



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To stop telling the story...

To stop telling the "story"? 




Meant I would be facing the feelings. 

Meant I would learn to live in acceptance of what "is" and "was" vs trying to create my own version of "what should be".

Meant letting go of the idea that others "could have" or "should have" done something different to make the story have a different ending.

Meant choosing to live in conscious awareness of when I was using "story" to avoid my reality, my "now".

Meant acknowledging that I was powerless and a victim then.

Meant grieving the loss of the life I did not have, do not have, will not have because of the story.

Meant acknowledging that I was no longer powerless and no longer a victim.

Meant finally "getting" what the serenity prayer means...

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

The wisdom to know the difference

Meant that I was no longer sacrificing my todays and tomorrows to those who took my past.



Meant that I was finally free.

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When I Believed I Couldn't....

When I believed I couldn't. I couldn't. 

 When I decided to believe I could - I did. 

~SusanKs/ES

Can you imagine what it would be like to fly?

That you could find your wings?

Thats ok; I can hold that space for you until you can hold it yourself.

The key?

Is to never give up.

Because that is how we win.

Namaste...I see your light:)

Susan

PS...

You might enjoy this poem as well....I Believed. 

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"Thing 1 and thing 2" .... Mini Life Lessons

Lesson 1: feeling powerless is different than being powerless. There is ALWAYS a solution and most often finding my own solutions meant I had to let go of the solutions I'd been given as the "only options". 

Lesson 2: Hopelessness is toxic to happiness. To be happy I had to find hope for a better tomorrow. I did this by revisiting Lesson 1 frequently :)

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More about "story"....

About "sharing our story" to heal emotionally and psychologically ....

First - realize that not everyone can do this; those who cannot sit with their own pain will not be able to sit with ours.

A second thing to understand is that it is up to us to "work through" our past pain; this is not something that another can do "for" us or even "with" us. 

And finally - know that by telling our story over and over to everyone and anyone who will listen is often not helpful. Our pain is ours to "work through"; it not fair to others to make our relationships about only our pain. 

Then seek out a friend who will not get in your pity party with you by focusing on who did what and what a jerk he/she was to have hurt/violated/wounded you. 

Rather, seek a friend who will allow you to tell your story until you are done telling your story.

...someone who can empathize and express how the telling of this story affects them...someone who can verbalize and validate your feelings rather than focusing on the "asshole" who did this to you. 

Not "fixing", not dismissing, not enabling the story to go and on without resolution. 

But someone who can be that soft place to fall when you need someone to "support" you emotionally and then celebrate your freedom with you. :)

You have so got this; I know its hard....you can do it:) 

Susan:) 

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The pain of growth....

All growth begins with pain. Pain is an indicator that growth is taking place; that the new is being birthed. To resist? I found was to, in a way, die. It was a living death; a death and darkness that would not pass until I was willing to go through the pain of birthing the new life I have today. 

~Susan Kingsley-Smith

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Back in time...A Blast From the Past

Every now and then I like to just revisit the archives so today - a few shares from last year.

This Is How We Do It....from April 2011 a brief excerpt...I frequently am asked "how did you do this? How do I heal? How do I let the past no longer control my today? How do I get past this pain that never leaves me?"

Also from April 2011....No Longer A Victim And Much More Than A Survivor.  This piece talks about how I saw that by focusing on rehashing the problem over and over was keeping me stuck in it and that by learing how to "go through" the pain - I found freedom from it. An excerpt: Focusing on my pain, seeking sympathy in the guise of "support" kept me stuck and struggling for many many years. I'd been victimized - I was no longer a victim. I had survived - but wanted to live beyond survival. 

This Is Where Well Being Begins is from December 2011 and here I reveal how flabbergasted I was when I realized that this wasn't rocket science - not easy - but not rocket science either. A few words from this piece: Its about learning how to make the past make sense in our today and that begins with learning to recognize when my today was about my past.

And from October 2011 Trauma is Trauma and Healing is Healing  This essay reveals that I discovered it wasn't my specific trauma that was the problem but that I did not know how to heal myself from any trauma experience. An excerpt: It was when I was able to understand that there was indeed a normal human emotional healing process that was applicable to every single one of my trauma experiences. And while I understood that I would not be who I might have been had I not been traumatized, violated, manipulated, oppressed and abused...

Do you have a favorite post from the past? 

Find it and drop the link in the comments below; I'll use those to make another post of your personal favorites in a "blast from the past"! 

Always grateful we can share the journey!

Susan:) 

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The Beginning Of The End

That deep sense of sadness that won't go away? I learned to look inside for my answers by allowing the memories to come instead of staying busy or using things, money, shopping, internet, coffee, food, alcohol, depression and even extreme dissociation....to avoid them.

This was where the journey began; by being willing to go through the feelings I'd not felt for so long. By being willing to feel 

the anger and the grief for the life I lost to the trauma and abuse.

This was the beginning of the end of the living nightmare where the things that had happened to me haunted me for a lifetime. This was "going through" in order to "get out of" that dark place.

I thought it would last forever. But in allowing it is when it finally ended and the nightmares? Finally just became memories. Not pleasant memories but memories I could now deal with. I successfully reclaimed my today's from those who took my yesterdays.

I thought I would die when I first opened this pandoras box but instead...this was when I began to live.

This - is the "hard work".

Hang in there; I know it hurts and I'm so sorry you have suffered yet - I am so glad you are finding your way. 

In gratitude that we can share the journey.

Susan:) 

You may also be interested in....

It's All About Avoidance on Blog Talk Radio

And here is a collection of posts from the archives on how I came to understand what it was to "do the hard work".

This post is about how I used creativity to "work through" those dark places. 



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The Keepers Of The Secrets

The thing about abuse is that it shows up in our lives in many ways. From an overwhelming sense of powerlessness over our own lives to a need to know everything all the time about everything and everyone; the loss of control from early life trauma always shows up sooner or later in our health. 

From irritability and anger, being "mad at the world" where we are lashing out at others, engaging in self harming behaviors or just shutting down through depression or dissociation...it always shows up and manifests itself in our today in one way or another. 

Often triggered by current life events this sense of overwhelm can take its toll on us physically, emotionally and psychologically as we attempt to make sense of things that make no sense.

Today a share from someone who found their way to freedom from this pain of the past. 

by Marissa Joilette

“My mother had requested I never write about my past until she died. It’s the only thing she regrets: the abuse she bestowed on me. Yet in staying quiet to protect her, I was suppressing the healing that needed to happen. In not sharing her legacy, I was trapped, and unable to break free. I was still putting HER image of NICE before MY healing. Early last year I knew I had to find the courage to change this… It would mean cutting all ties with my family, as they all “supported” her… EVEN in her abusing me.

My family kept telling me I hadn’t been physically abused. Those that witnessed it said it was all my fault or there was nothing they did. I felt betrayed, and alone. None of my family wrote or called to ask how I was, or how they could support me. I was judged and given superficial suppression to avoid facing any of the truth. In exposing the abuse (that they were deny) I was left feeling I should be dirty, ashamed, and wrong. Like I was wrong for feeling angry and upset. Like I was the betrayor. They told me to have more grace, be more peaceful, be loving… They treated me like I was insane and didn’t know what I was talking about.

Something within kept me alight – this burning bright knowing that I wasn’t wrong, that this situation was horrendous, and the memories were valid. I knew that if I felt and faced all the memories I would come ALIVE! I would heal by embracing and integrating, that I would shine BRIGHT and beautiful if I honoured the pain… So I let go the fight to keep the peace, and let things unravel. I began to question what this smell of burning I had all the time, was it a ghost? I googled it. Signs that traumatic head injury was healing – normally happens 10-15 years AFTER injury. Physical validation. I knew I wasn’t mad.

To break through, I had to kill off the unhealthy, negating, repressing mother out of my life… no longer hide in shame… and begin taking actions that lead into goodness, love, and deliciousness. If ever I enjoyed those things my mother would scorn and say: “Do you have to?” She shared that my joy in love felt like rubbing salt into her wounds. I realised that to be truly happy the gift I had to give myself is to find a family whom I BELONG to. A family that see me, get me, love me, and relish in who I am and all I have to offer. And to become, for myself, the mother I never had.

It feels good to not be in secret or feel ashamed. It feels good to fully meet myself so that I can also fully meet YOU! It feels great to write and share… and rejoice in the agonising healing, and crushing arising… ♥ More to gift thee… ♥ As I free myself, I devote myself to Thee… ♥” Natalie Lamb

###

Visit the Empowering Solutions Facebook Community page here if you are looking for direction in your journey to heal from abuse/trauma issues.

Visit the archives for more on how I learned to recognize this generational passing of crippling life dysfunction here and over here a search for articles on how I learned to make peace with the past. 

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Good Day/Bad Day

Along the way I discovered that the idea of a "bad" day....wasn't so helpful or supportive of the life I wanted for myself soooo..............

To start having "good days"? 

I had to learn to consciously choose to shift my mind from "crap. Another day."...

To..."Damn! Another amazing day!".

Key words:

conscious = aware on purpose

choose = making the decision to be conscious of the day I was creating for myself and taking action to shift my mindset from one perspective (life sucks) to another (life rocks!). On purpose.

Simples steps for real change. :)

Did I succeed all the time every day?

Not at first.

In the beginning I had more "off" days than "on" days but again ...

By choosing to return to the idea of what I wanted in time I found I had created a life that I wanted.

True story:)

This really isn't the rocket science I'd thought it was.

It came down to choice...

First learning that I had a choice then....

Making the choice to choose.

Yup.

It really is that simple although....

Its not always that easy.

This again....

Is the "hard work" of learning to no longer be that perpetual victim of life but to become the creator of my best life.

I'm right there with you....:)

You can do this....

The hardest part was the first time I tried to make this mindshift from...

"WTF"

to

"What a life!".

Some tips?

Write this on a sticky note, note cards....put them in your books, stick it to your mirror...make a ring tone for your phone...journal in your notebook each morning....

repeat out loud many times each day....

My life is amazing! 

Then engage with the process by purposing to think it, do it, say it and fake it till you make it....

And trust that the process will work for you too.

Heres the kicker....

We can choose to engage - or not.

And by making no choice - we've chosen.

This is not a passive process.

By choosing to engage you are choosing to create change that can, over time, change your life. 

You are amazing:)

We begin by beginning here; right where we are.

You're a rock star and I'm thrilled to be your groupee:)

Always, always!

Susan:)



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One Step

Remember....success is often just one step beyond giving up.

You've got this thing:)



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I Can Do It MYSELF!

You know those who are telling you you can't? blow em away and do it anyway:) 

luv ya! 

~zeb&dot:) 

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