As It Goes…

So, as it goes, things change. Life is an evolution and for me a marvelous, exciting and sometimes challenging experiment.

I've been writing here at A Journey since April 6, 2009 where I began to chronicle my journey out of the darkness  and into the light after a lifetime of seeing myself as a victim who had "no choice" and realizing in this amazing journey that I no longer had to live as a victim and that there was life far beyond "recovery" and survival. 

Then for awhile my path shifted and as the student who tries to be ready, I found myself drawn to other adventures like creating the Empowering Solutions page and podcast.

I tried my hand at guest blogging at a few places and was able to contribute on some issues that are very dear to my heart like the abuse and dysfunction many of us come from  , finding our own path to personal empowerment  and sharing a bit of my story as it relates to how I experienced the nearly 2 decades of my life when I was told by doctors that I had a brain disease, was ill and would need "medication for life" and the resulting years of protracted withdrawals when another doctor decided I no longer needed them as a trauma survivor. (NOTE: NEVER let a doctor tell you that you can "just stop" these drugs; this is very dangerous. I was fortunate to have the tenacity to go through this and come out the other end ok; many are not able to tolerate the impact of cold turkey or even a short taper. Get informed to be empowered - you can start here if you need resources.)

I wrote about how I came to choose a new paradigm for myself and this has led to my coming to terms with realizing that I had never been "sick" and that it was the drugs I was being given that actually was the source of the symptoms that seemed to get worse instead of better, even though I was following "doctors orders" to the letter.

As time went on my focus shifted to healing myself and my psyche from the damage of being told I was "ill" and the realization that I am not what they told me I was and had been so terribly harmed and made ill by those I trusted with my health and my life; my doctors and those I sought out for support and help in my journey.

In following the inner drive to make meaning of these experiences, in time I found myself shifting my focus from this blog to the Facebook platform where I have met hundreds and thousands of amazing people on their own individual journey's.

Here I found a camaraderie of persons who have experienced their own journey to well being in many different ways. To each of you - I am in awe of your strength and courage and in complete gratitude that somehow our paths have crossed. In support of those who have wondered about the use of psychiatric drugs I created a workshop and website and was invited to contribute a chapter on using the internet and social media to find support.

Time moved on and I was seeming to lose my voice, I was unclear to my path and my purpose and realized along the way that in order for me to regain my footing and clarity that it was vital that I stop trying to create new things and start focusing on letting go of the old so I could embrace the new. 

So here we are.

It's nearly autumn 2014 and my journey is again changing directions as I focus on continuing to reclaim my health, create my best life and rediscover my voice.

I don't have a clear vision of what my path is just yet - but I do have a desire again to write now and then so - stay tuned; my hope is that we will continue to travel this path together.

Namaste.

May you be well, be happy and live in peace.

Susan

"I can't take it anymore" - Overwhelm as a normal response to overwhelming life experiences

"Overwhelm" is a common place for those who hail from backgrounds of drama/trauma/dysfunction.

Why? Because we are defective?

No.

Because we were often required to live life in survival mode where we rarely got reprieve from balancing learning and growing with staying out of harms way (be that emotional, psychological or physical harm). 

We also did not learn valuable life skills like prioritizing, choosing, organizing, boundary setting, self care and so on.

But today we are talking about that place of overwhelm...


That place where we want to stand up....

Stomp our foot...

And scream from the top of our lungs...

I can't take it anymore!!!!!!!

AAARRRRGGGGGG!

Or...

Maybe instead of lashing out...

We try to escape.

We run away.

We avoid.

We say one thing....

Why yes! I'd be delighted to help you paint your house, pack it up and move you across town!  

Yet do another....

That was yesterday? OMG! I completely forgot! 

Or maybe we'll get "sick"...or "hurt"

I am so sorry....I woke up with a sore throat/was up all night with my son/daughter/cat/dog...vomiting omg...I feel so sick, my foot is broken, I twisted my ankle chasing the damned cat....

Or maybe we'll pick a fight...

You said you would ____________. You are such a jerk/bitch/a****le. Well hell no - I'm not going to help you move. 

Or maybe we just....go away and fall into a place of depression and despondency...

Hoping no one finds us but ...wanting someone to rescue us, to pay attention to us....to take care of us. 

The point is....


A feeling of overwhelm is a normal response for those of us who have not had the life experiences that would allow us to know how to balance life on lifes terms. 

AND....

We can learn the coping and life skills that will enable us to feel empowered.


We can choose to change how we view ourselves....and the world around us.

We can learn to live as the creator of our "best life"...

That we can live our own "Un-limited life".

Where to begin? 

Right here.

Right now.

We begin by taking this off "auto pilot" and...

1. Acknowledge where we are right now - and that we don't have to stay there

Recognize and acknowledge that people, places, things and life circumstances are not causing our feeling of overwhelm but - that our inner resources are exhausted. 


Acknowledge and come to an understanding that the coping and life skills we learned in the trauma/drama/dysfunction were insuffiencient to allow us to not feel overwhelmed. 

Acknowledge that to create this change will take time and by knowing where I'm at....is the first step to getting where I want to be. 

2. Accept this as a normal response for our life experiences and that we can learn to live beyond it. 

Practice accepting that we are not defective but - that we are complete and full of an inner wisdom that once we begin to tap into it and become the creator of our life rather than a perpetual victim of life. 


Learning to view overwhelm not as  disorder or character defect -  but a normal human response to life circumstances that have overwhelmed our ability to cope is where I found the power to create this change. 

3. Awareness that this will take time. 

Grasp that there is no magic bullet, no one can fix this for us - but when we begin to see ourselves as capable...we will also begin to see how to create this change for ourselves

Focusing not on what we see as impossible but - each day rehearsing what we want for ourselves and the infinite possibilities that await us

Understand that it takes time to create change - that it is only in our childlike pain of never "being enough" that keeps us stuck in the magical thinking that we "should" be "better" "by now. Awareness and acknowledgement that we are human, that this is a normal thing to struggle with and that by taking action today I can have the tomorrow I want. 

Understanding that the expectations of others are often way below or way above where are at any given moment. Learning to become aware of how others expectations affect us can enable us to let go of the idea that we have to be anything other than who we are. That we ARE "enough".

4. Knowing that engaged action will take us from where we are to where we want to be

We can spend years...decades...a lifetime....wishing, wanting and talking about what we want - but never achieving the kind of change that can change our life. It is often when we stop talking about it that we finally do something about it.

Taking one action each day will get us to where we want to be tomorrow. Creating a plan on purpose is the beginning of shifting our wishes, dreams and desires from "some day..." to today. 

Not knowing where to start...makes it tough to start. Begin the day with remembering to live in awareness of the feeling of overwhelm as well as some new coping strategies.

A few tips to get you started on learning to live beyond overwhelm...

• Step back, don't say "yes" right away, always wait 3 days before making a commitment to a new idea or project, 
• Get honest with yourself. If you don't want to do something - make it ok to admit that instead of blaming someone else for your overwhelm. 
• Practice saying "no" in little ways to develop the confidence to say "no" to bigger issues. Saying "no. I'd like that table over there" at a restaurant is sort of a pre-requisite for being able to say "No. I'd rather see this movie" to an intimate relationship. 
• Recognize when you are falling into avoidance by picking a fight, "forgetting", getting "sick" or hurt in order to find an excuse to say "no". There is no shame and much power in choosing to live in conscious awareness of the subtle intent behind our actions. 
• Own up - when you catch yourself using old coping strategies like picking a fight and blaming others for your overwhelm.....first - admit it to yourself then apologize to the people involved."I was feeling really overwhelmed about coming over yesterday to help you paint and I took it out on you instead of telling you how I was feeling and that I really just wanted to stay home. I'd like to apologize for blasting you." (NOTE: This does NOT mean we have to stay around if the person involved starts chastising or shaming us instead of accepting our apology. It is ALWAYS ok to excuse ourselves from situations that feel bad)

Understanding that our current method of dealing with overwhelm are learned behaviors (responses to stress) AND that as such...

We can learn how to do it differently.

Now...

Go forth and rock your world:)

Show em what you've got....

Let a little light in....

And you'll light someone else's life a little:)

Always here,

Susan

This link is where you'll find some related posts on learning to let life unfold...naturally. Click here to go there. :) 

PS....

The "how" behind the journey is a learning process. Join us at the Facebook Community page here for the daily notes and get on the list here for upcoming events and news. 

PPSS...thanks for reading and please consider sharing:) 



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No longer a victim and much more than a survivor

Become the Creator
of your own
"unlimited life"

A quick note today...


About the "aha"


That became the truth


That set me free. 

Like many others who were living a life of "less than"...

I subscribed to the idea that "support" was that place where I could vent

bitch

and moan

about my past

my pain

my today

yesterday

and tomorrow.

That just really

really

sucked.

And I lived there for what seemed 

forever.

And in time

I discovered that there is a time and a place for seeking "support" that actually supports my journey 

into

through

and out of the muck

instead of staying

stuck

in it.

Pouring my pain out day after day with no conscious effort to learn to live beyond it is what I identified in myself as being that "perpetual victim". **


Learning to take responsibility for creating my day included learning how to take responsibility for my life outcome.

Day by day.

Moment by moment.

It meant learning the difference between living in the mindset of  "blame" 

While letting go of the self blame and shame that fueled my self hatred and perpetuated my victimhood. 

Which I wore very welll...btw:) 

This is the place where I give responsibility to those who let me down 


And take responsibility for becoming the creator of my own "best" life.

Focusing on my pain, seeking sympathy in the guise of "support" kept me stuck and struggling for many many years. 

I'd been victimized - I was no longer a victim. 

I had survived - but wanted to live beyond survival. 

This is my passion today...

To share the truth that set me free and allowed me to become the creator of my "best life" vs the perpetual victim of life. 

The biggest lesson I learned about the emotional healing journey?

Is that its not about "fixing" what was broken

but about learning how to live.

This week...

Use your inner wisdom to guide you to a place where you are allowed to feel your pain and grow through it instead of staying stuck in it.

Thank the helpful friends who offer their sage advice and - find those who will allow you your voice. 

Seek comfort in compassion vs distraction.

Learning to sit with and go through our pain is how we grow beyond it. 

I'm sorry you suffered.

I'm sorry for the losses you experienced...

I feel angry knowing that there are many who have experienced RBT's* at the hand of those who were intended to love, honor and cherish...charged to nurture, guide and celebrate the life that lives in you.

And I'm so

so

so

grateful

You have chosen to share the journey.

We were powerless.

We are no more.

We can take back our todays

Create our tomorrows

And live the life we adore.

You've got the magic in you. 

Now...

Lights!

Camara!

Action!

You're on!

Let your light shine in the way you create your life.


It. Is. Never


"Too late".


Always there...

Susan

We can learn to live beyond the pain of the past and take back our tomorrows by the way we choose to live our today. 

True story:)

RBT's* = Really Bad Things (and I am so so sorry you or someone you know may have experienced RBT's) 

**(The opposite of of a constant focus on our pain is denying, avoiding and otherwise ignoring that I'm even in pain - listen in here for a story about that: Empowering Solutions on Blog Talk Radio with Heal My PTSD)

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

 
 Go here www.empoweringsolutionsnow.com to register to get more empowering solutions in your inbox and be on the list to receive my gift to you, my first ebook when it is published: Empowering Solutions: From the Beginning.

Register for the Empowering Solutions news and updates here...

Finding purpose in my passion

We all have a gift

That is ours to share

To ease the journey

From here to there....

When I stopped seeking my purpose in the things I did and do...

I found my purpose was to share the journey with you.

May today you see your gift in the journey....

Is the journey.

Oftentimes I would find myself wondering what it was that I was supposed to do with my life. 

And a fellow traveler shared with me that by following my own path....

I would find my purpose.

That my life would define itself as I learned to define my "self". 

That my "doing" would emerge from my "being".

That my purpose would be found as I found healing from my pain.

Follow your passion to find your purpose.

It will look different that my path.


It will be your own.


It will become almost magical...


As "coincidences" happen....


As circumstances just seem to "fall into place".


It will be the thing we dreamed of....


But it may not "look" like what we'd imagined.


So listen...


To your passion...


Because this....


Is often your purpose. 


Then - let go of trying to shape it...


And simply let it happen. 


When its "hard"?


Simply step back and see what "feels" right. 


Which path holds the light?


Learning to let go of the past...is often the beginning of finding the thing we can hold onto for our future.

Always believing in you:)

Susan


The journey is always a journey that changes and grows over time we never "arrive" but we are always present, growing, changing and evolving:) 


Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

 

 Go here www.empoweringsolutionsnow.com to register for Project 360 to get more empowering solutions in your inbox and be on the list to receive my gift to you, my first ebook: Empowering Solutions: From the Beginning.

About my passion

photo credits

Inspiration.....Return To Innocence

A friend and member of the Empowering Solutions Community on Facebook shared this with me today....and I wanted to share it with you.




Love (Love, Love)
Devotion (Devotion, Devotion)
Feeling (Feeling. Feeling)
Emotion (Emotion, Emotion)

Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence

The return to innocence

If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny

Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence

That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence 
~

It is never too late...


to create your best life. 


Return to you to find your light...


Follow your passion


To discover your purpose...


And there is where we can make sense of that which makes no sense.


With love,


SusanKs


Lyrics from sing365

Getting Unstuck Sometimes Requires Rocking the Boat

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

 Creating My Best Life:)
Wednesday, April 27, 2011 7:29 AM

From a recent post at the Empowering Solutions Facebook Community page....


Feeling the anger at being violated and having that anger heard can lead to the grief that offers the soothing balm of the tears that allow our emotional wounds to heal. Denying our anger or sharing our pain with those who cannot separate their own issues from ours serves to keep us stuck and unable to move into, through and out of our pain. ~Susan Ks 2011


Getting unstuck sometimes requires rocking the boat. When we are not finding relief from our pain we can take a look at what we are doing with it. 


Becoming mired in "doing" the work or doing it "right", following someones "model" or therapeutic theory, accepting unsolicited advice from well intentioned but unenlightened folks who are still working out their own pain by fixing and rescuing others....


serves very simply and quite often as busy work that allows us to deny our feelings of anxiety and distress allowing us to put off doing the "hard work" of emotional healing.


Learning to identify "stuck" as a signpost of denial or bargaining where we are still looking for someone to... 


"rescue" or "fix" us...


tell us what to do or what we are doing wrong....


can create the momentum that will allow us to move into, through and out of that place of stuck.


Emotional healing requires making that shift from "doing" to that place of "being" where we connect with and engage in emotional healing.


The only way out...


is through.


Trusting the process requires trusting myself.


We all hold the light and the wisdom.


It was when I stopped trying to find it in others that I found it in myself.


Read about what that was like for me here. 

~


From the archives...


This is How We Do It...The "Hard Work" 


Pain Is Pain


Intellect and Insight 


"story"? Or "Story"?


~

Friday Follow Ups and Back to Basics!

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

Today I wanted to get back to basics...in my Blogging, my advocacy, my writing, my purpose and my passion.

Wha a?

The past couple of weeks my time and attention has been split....pretty thin.

Here's a few things I've been contributing to and working on....

Last week I was Guest Blogger at Emerging From Broken where...


I shared parts of my story in more depth and detail than I ever have in the past. Ever. Anywhere. 

Whats it about?

Learning to identify how I finally came to understand what it meant and means to have my "self" suffocated and my body and being used as an object to serve others.

And - how in this process I also discovered the path to freedom and made that shift from coping, managing and surviving to...


Living.


My best life. 


Ever. :)


Check it out here.

What else have I been up to?


Well....I got kind of involved in a little Petition to New York Times that has turned into kind of a big deal as in less than 5 days we've garnered almost 80% of our initial goal from supporters and comments from around the world. 

You can check it out and read the petition and the comments here. 


Some of the comments...wow. Just wow. 

Check it out at the link above and if this is an issue you can get on board with, leave your signature there then...


Join us at the new Community Group for this Petition to the NYT by clicking here. This will be sort of like our Ground Zero as we continue to keep folks informed and involved in this groundbreaking endeavor.


What else?


Every day there are some great conversations going on at the Empowering Solutions Community page at Facebook. Every day I post and share on a variety of issues and topics faced by SRBT (survivors of really bad things:)) 

Drop by and give us a "like" so you can recieve the daily notes on your own FB wall:)

Any more?


Well, I did recently set up a twitter account for just the ES stuff....


You can follow me on twitter by going here: www.twitter.com/susan_ks


And?


I finally mastered the technology to put an email sign up form here on A Journey! 


Now - if you are interested for me to send you STUFF...:)

All you have to do is drop your email in the box up top that says...

SEND ME STUFF! 


(This is different than your reading subscription, k? :))


I'm pretty sure theres something else....


Oh yeah!


I got overambitious and thought about expanding ES to 4 times a month...

(and actually announced that I was doing this not-so-well-thought-out-thing :-/


doh!


and then had some (very wise:)) second thoughts....


Empowering Solutions on BTR will maintain at twice monthly...


the 1st and 3rd Thursdays


at 2pm EST (USA)....


for now anyway:)


Coming up in August!

August 4th - Christina Enveldson, Founder of www.overcomingsexualabuse.com 

August 18th - Breaking Free from Broken with Darlene Ouimet of www.emergingfrombroken.com

Ok then. 

Guess I have been a little busy:)

I think I'll take a break and see what comes up next:) 

Thanks for sharing the journey!

Susan_Ks:)

The past no longer has to steal our todays and destroy our tomorrows:) If you are looking for information and resources to learn how to learn to live beyond broken....

Welcome. Thats what we do. :) 

Sharing the light, the hope and the journey:)

Stay tuned!

This is How We Do It...the "Hard Work"

…by putting one foot in front of the other

I frequently am asked "how did you do this? How do I heal? How do I let the past no longer control my today? How do I get past this pain that never leaves me?"

Today I wanted to share a post that I wrote last year that was a storyboard of the path and process I followed to do the "hard work" of my healing journey.

Go here to read this post. There are quite a few links I'd like to invite you to click on and follow...each picture or soul collage has its own page and story behind it. There is also some Poetry and other examples of expressive work that I used to facilitate my journey from there where I lived in that dark place to here where today I live in the light:) 

What's the "hard work"?

Its the work in which I willingly entered into the pain of the past to finally experience it in a state of conscious awareness instead of avoiding it...and trust that I will survive it.

Its that place where I had acknowledged that the coping mechanisms where I was "acting in" or "acting out" that had protected me in the midst of the pain but no longer were serving me well as it had become the proverbial ball and chain that interfered with my ability to run the race or live my "best life".

Its that place where I learned how to no longer be a victim and desired to live far beyond survival. 

Its that place where I stopped avoiding triggers to cope and manage them and I began seeing them as the teacher that had shown up - because I was now the student who was ready.

Its that place where I realized that the only way out of this pain...

was to go through it

that I might finally 

live beyond it. 

Heres that link again where you can read this post and view its many links here:Whoops! I Did it Again! Using Creativity...

 Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!

The Relationships that Shaped my Life....and the Life Lessons I've Learned from them

One Path of Many Photo by Susan July 23, 2010

Today’s post stems from much thought being given to the idea that in the original abuse, I felt obligated to include those who in the past abused me or treated me as "less than" in my new life. This journey is a process and one that includes the relationships that that shaped my life and the lessons I've learned from them.

"Those who could not stand by me at my worst 

can not know me at my best." 

These words came to me as I contemplated the idea that I do not have to, am not required to invite those into my life that in the past abused me.  I was an adult - and yet still felt very much like a child when it came to being around my siblings and in the past, my parents and many of the social and intimate relationships that I'd had. 

And I suddenly realized the hidden resentment that was showing up in my resistance to attend those family get togethers was another one of theses "have to's" or "shoulds" and I felt like I was doing something wrong by not going...or just not wanting to go.

Family get togethers for me was where the pattern was to laugh and get along while we were all at the table but as soon as someone left...they became the next course; their lives, thoughts, appearance, children, choices being served up one by one and passed around the table filled with siblings, children and grandchildren learning the fine art of carving up their relatives and friends. Dissecting their very being while justifying the hateful comments and patronizing treatment seemed to serve a purpose to bring value to themselves and justify their own lives and their behavior. 

And this is not to put down or criticize any one person or make light of this kind of abuse; its just the way it is in my family. Is and always has been and when I share this I am including myself in this kind of drama; we were raised in this and this was and is my families “normal” and it took me a long time to understand that this was not normal; that not all families engage in this kind of demeaning and disturbing assassination of one anothers character.

For many years I tried to figure out how to be "good enough" or do life "right enough" that I would finally win their approval, even joining in on this family tradition of demeaning others in order to find value in myself. 

I tried over and over to "figure out" what was "wrong" with me in order to change it so I would finally be accepted, loved, comforted when I was in pain, my accomplishments celebrated....to the point of despair. 

I fell into trying to reshape myself into being "good enough" as I sought approval and no matter what I did, no matter how "perfect" I was in keeping house, presenting well groomed children to the world, the right job, the new car, the new house, the right haircut, the right mall, credit card, bank account, attending church two and three times a week…

Each time I thought I'd finally arrived; that I was finally "good enough" or had done something "right enough" - there was always something else about me that was still not "enough". 

No matter what the current issue was, the underlying expectation was that I was not to have my own thoughts, feelings, opinions and my choices were all being measured against some yardstick that was never the same day to day and based on someone else’s need for me to be different in order for them to be ok.

To save myself I had to step away.

I had to create a space and a life where I could begin to experience something different in order to see and understand that this dynamic in my family was my normal but it was not at all "normal". 

I began to learn about dysfunctional relationships so I could recognize them and my role in them and thus how to step out of this role instead of expecting others to be different or change that I might be ok.

I began to understand when I was using the language of what I call "perpetual victimhood" where I felt helpless and hopeless over my life so I could recognize when and how to reclaim and take back my life by changing what I believed about myself and others.

And I began to let go of the anger and resentment that served to keep me bound and I began to see those who had not been able to stand by me in my own struggles and had even directly abused me -  through the lens of compassion...

which in turn has allowed me to see myself and others with more compassion. 

In doing this I also learned that the smoldering anger that could be fanned into a flame was really that place where I learned to grieve that which was and release the hope of what could be in order to live in what was…

and the truth that would set me free. 

And I practice setting boundaries and being assertive, I've learned to listen to my body and trust my feelings to be my guide.

I’ve learned to recognize the thoughts and words that can take me down that road of despair and how to pull my focus into the moment that I might live free of the pain of the past…

I've recognized that my serenity does not depend on how others treat me but in how I allow others behavior to affect me...

my thoughts, my feelings, my moods, my choices.

And now instead of trying, wishing and hoping to be "good enough" or do things “right enough” to be accepted and honored by those who are still on their own journey, I am able to accept them where they are and have clear boundaries of what I allow into my personal space and thoughts...

instead of trying to shape how they treat me by shaping myself to be "good enough" or "right enough".

I now shape myself to be who I want to be and share my life, my dreams, my pain, my hope, my thoughts, feelings, joys and doubts with those whom I know accept me, without question

as I am. 

Possibly related reading...

Abuse Disguised

Anger and Acceptance

To Thine Own Self Be True

Seeking and Living Our Own Truth

Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!