For years I'd tried to figure out
how to survive the holidays with my dysfunctional family. In the end I realized
that it wasn't about surviving but learning how to live beyond it by creating a
new tradition - for myself.
Holidays are one of those things that
I did for years even though they were never not often anything to celebrate. My body
would tell me it was that time of year again as my muscles tensed, I would
start to shut down and be unable to function. I'd start feeling irritable,
lashing out at those around me. Many days I'd not be able to get out of bed as
the days on the calendar slipped from summer to fall and finally halloween
marked the beginning of the worst time of year for me.
I slipped further and further down
as I knew what was waiting for me at our "family" get togethers.
Finally I made a choice for myself to not go.
It was hard. But for me the only
option as my family refused to respect my new boundaries and continued to shame
me, make me the brunt of their jokes and cruelty. They would often tell me that
I deserved to feel bad because I was such a worthless person and had not met
their expectations, that I was the cause of their anger at me and if I was just
somehow "different" - then they wouldn't be mad and would love me.
I was constantly reminded that I
was not "enough" and could never be "enough" to win their
acceptance and love. I was often reminded throughout the year that I was not
good enough for them to want a relationship with me. That I should be grateful
they even spoke to me at all.
So for me - as over the years I
noticed this same pattern in my life and my dread for what the world touted as
a happy time - I decided to create some new traditions for myself. I started declining invitations to
these family get togethers.
I didn't explain myself to them
because that gave them power to again question my decisions and tell me
something was wrong with me for not wanting to spend the holidays with them.
And in the end they did that anyway - but I no longer felt the obligation to
apologize and try to fix it.
This year will be my second year
of my new Thanksgiving tradition where I volunteer at a local charity.
And I don't want to leave you with
the impression that making this decision for myself came easily - or quickly.
It in fact came at a very high
price as I realized that there was absolutely nothing I could do to be good
enough.
That my family would never love me
just because I was me.
That they would never celebrate my
accomplishments; that I could never share my joy or my sadness with them and
know that I would be heard or cared for in this way.
That there would be no Hallmark
card moments, no sense of belonging, no laughter, eggnog or picturesque moments
around the table or joyful trimming of the Christmas tree the day after.
Making this decision took time as
I moved myself from the magical thinking of childhood to the harsh reality of
my life with my family. This was moving from where I could somehow make it
better if I was "better" - or just different -to the reality that
while my family may not recognize their behavior as abusive – they are still
responsible for their behavior. I had to realize there is nothing I could have
ever done in my lifetime that would ever justify this kind of ongoing abuse and
there is nothing I can do to make them stop it.
I had to grieve the family I never
had...
The family I had always hoped to have
and mostly...
I had to let go of the idea that
there was anything I could have done or could do in the future to make it any
different.
Realty sucks - but not nearly as
bad as the reality of what I had lived for a lifetime believing I
"had" to spend the holidays with a family that that served me up as
the main course.
So this wasn't an easy thing to do. I still feel angry at the way my family treated me. I still sometimes wonder if I couldn't have somehow worked it out with them. I still feel sad over the realization that there was nothing I could do to "work it out" and that to be a part of their lives meant I had to sacrifice myself, my sense of well being and self worth.
You are not alone. It is not your fault;
you are doing nothing wrong and whatever way YOU decide to handle your
dysfunctional family, to go or stay away - its ok.
Heres to making new traditions be it serving others, taking a vacation to a new place, hanging with new friends...:)
In admiration of your courage to
keep going when it gets so damned tough.
Susan
Related reading:
How do I love thee... This post is about learning to respect ours and others boundaries - seeing them as the defining line to a valid sense of "self" and healthy, interdependent relationships.
I am now "enough" Learning to see myself as all I needed to be "ok".
This is how we do it....the "hard work" The title speaks for itself:) Its not rocket science either:) Hard work yes. But not rocket science.
Whoops! I did it again! This post speaks to how I used creativity to connect with myself and heal my own wounds.
Express yourself! This is another version of my post above (Whoops!) that I did as a guest at Heal My PTSD.
How do we get "there" when here sucks so bad?
By putting one foot in front of the other.
There is ALWAYS a solution:)
Seek Knowledge, find Wisdom, live your Truth!
